well i suck..

Alright I have like no time because I have to go to the gym then get ready for a huge concert at my school tonight so I can't really take the time out to be insightful.  Basically the first day of my no binge four day streak went AWESOME.  I burned 1,700 calories in two gym sessions and only ate 390!! Yesterday of course went awry and I didn't necessarily binge, but I hate a whole bunch of crap I shouldn't have.  Yeah so I forget who commented on my post and called that my streak sounded like it may end up in a huge binge.. you were right :/  Tomorrow I'm starting over and trying this again.  It's a new day and I know that I'm capable of this.  My horoscope says something like keep on going and you're things are getting better so let's hope so!

Last night laying in bed I made a list of everything I don't like about myself in my phone-- every single body part that bothers me and why.  It's in my phone so that I can look at it EVERYTIME i have the urge to go astray.  I NEED THIS MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. I've said this so many times and have believed myself that I almost feel like a liar and fake for claiming to conquer this since I have yet to do so.  I read in a magazine that when you eat sugary, fatty, salty foods that your body continues to crave them for usually the 4 days following because of something it changes in your blood level or something.  All I have to do is get by these four days and it'll get easier and easier from there.

I can only imagine how many of you are rolling your eyes are you read this and lose more and more faith in my everytime I post.  I'm strong and I have willpower and wise words but have yet to follow through with what I've set out to do.  I'm here at this place again to be happy again, and thinness is where my happiness is derrived from.  I'm embarrassed that I am this size and claim to be affected by ED and Ana because by looking at me, there's no proof at all.  Bare with me through this tough time.  The things that I'm dealing with and the things going through my head are all over the place but all have the same result -- upset.  Don't lose faith in me, for I have yet to lose faith in myself.


Whether I know my followers or not, I feel a strong bond with each and every one of your struggles.  I read each and every one of your posts from top to bottom and give construction critisism whenever I can.  I more than appreciate those of you who do the same for me.  I pray that everyone's days and last nights and tomorrow's go and will go as hoped or planned.  My heart is with you all.  I'm a little sensative today so sorry if this sounds forced or insincere, but it truly is how I feel.  Believe in me so I can believe in myself.  Today IS the day and I'm going to prove it to you. Thin thoughts always.