Where have I been?!

So it's been almost a week since I last posted, I've been kind of M.I.A lately.  My apologies if you've missed me!  My sister came up to visit me at college and talked me into going home for Easter :/ I really didn't want to because I know I always end up binging while home cause all of my friends want to catch up over lunch or ice cream and I get upset with myself and there you go, I end up binging.  While I was home I did overeat but not as much as I have in the past which I was kind of glad about.  I had a couple of breakdowns to my mom and sister but they did feel good.  They sort of put into perspective how unhappy I really am with how I look.

When I'm unhappy with what I look like I don't even want to wake up.  I lay in bed dreading having to get dressed and deal with being hungry and ignoring or giving into the hunger.  I don't want to get up and end up finding a way to skip out on the gym.  The reality of all this is that yes, I really am unhappy, but honestly what is hiding out in my room going to do for me?  Until I push myself this is what I'm going to look like so here I go.  I posted sticky notes on my wall with the day and date on each one until I leave college for the summer.  Only 10 DAYS. YIKES. But basically the point of this is to make myself go to the gym EVERYDAY.  I can't rip off the sticky note until I go to the gym.  If I don't go it stays there and reminds me that I was a slacker and let myself skip. 

Hopefully this will motivate me cause I need some motivation to get myself moving again.  I said I was going to do the 10 days 250 calorie challenge but that ended when I gave in to going home for the weekend :/ today restarts my challenge.  I have ten days left of college and I will finish the challenge successfully so I can already have a head start to before I get home.  If I complete this there's noway I'll want to binge when I go home, and honestly I haven't even had the urge to binge lately at all. I'm sick of food in general and tired of how much I've ate.  And let me correct myself, **when I complete the challenge**.  I'm in a great mood today so I'm off to the gym to make it even better!  Thinking of you girls an extra lot today! xo



Thin is E V E R Y T H I N G. It truly is.

The Next Ten Days..

So I got this idea from a posting Zane had.  For ten days she is going to have a net of 250 calories per day to get some serious weightloss.  This is EXACTLY what I need to kick of the loss of some serious pounds and get me back on track.  I am so excited about this challenge and have no doubt in myself that I will complete it.  Lottie and I agreed to jump in on the challenge with Zane and I encourage anyone else who is serious about it to do the same.  This is just what I need right now and I am SO SO SO determined.  Today is the beginning of this challenge for me and I am very intent on completing it.  My confidence and self motivation NEEDS it. 

I don't think I have anything else to say right now minus the fact that I've been giving into all of my cravings due to the fact that I'm stressed out with school and a couple other decisions I've had to make lately.  These are both no excuses and that's where those habits end.  Right now, today, here.  I've said it before yes I know, no one will believe me until I believe myself.  Here we go, it's now or never so I'm telling myself let's do this and get your happiness back. 

I'll post later probably.  Just wanted to publicize this new venture I'm starting today.  XO skinnyminilove

Needing some serious help

Okay this needs to be short and sweet since I have to leave for class in 15 minutes.  I feel like I have figured out my struggle with sticking to the things I've ben setting myself to do.  Before I went through recovery I rarely to never had cravings and urges to binge or overeat -- yeah I know hard to believe.  Even when I was around my friends who'd be indulging in icecream, candy, McDonald's, or any other shitty foods that I have weaknesses to I would stand my ground without the least bit of hesitation.  Damn I miss that girl. Anyways before me eating disorder was an eating disorder, I used to go to the gym for fun and relaxation.  After the gym I simply truly wasn't hungry for the junk I used to love.  When given the chance to eat those weaknesses of mine I'd usually be uninterested and refrain from eating them. 

When my eating disorder came about, I had been resisting these foods for some time upon my own will.  It was so easy to develope an eating disorder because I had been without these foods for so long that I no longer missed them.  Basically what I feel like I've realized is that my plans and goals are so extreme that I'm wanting these foods so badly because I'm telling myself I can't have them not because I truly want them or am hungry.  I need to get myself back into this because I'm literally disgusted with what I look like.  Upon this realization the only sensible thing to do would be to try to avoid these foods but give myself a treat every now and again and make sure I let myself know that I'm going to treat myself. 

The problem with that theory is that I feel like I don't deserve to treat myself.  I'm gross, thick, fat, bloated, ugly, fat, FAT, FAT FAT.  UGH.  Stuck between a rock and a hard place right now people.  Please comment with any ideas or thinspiration you have for me.  xo Love.

well i suck..

Alright I have like no time because I have to go to the gym then get ready for a huge concert at my school tonight so I can't really take the time out to be insightful.  Basically the first day of my no binge four day streak went AWESOME.  I burned 1,700 calories in two gym sessions and only ate 390!! Yesterday of course went awry and I didn't necessarily binge, but I hate a whole bunch of crap I shouldn't have.  Yeah so I forget who commented on my post and called that my streak sounded like it may end up in a huge binge.. you were right :/  Tomorrow I'm starting over and trying this again.  It's a new day and I know that I'm capable of this.  My horoscope says something like keep on going and you're things are getting better so let's hope so!

Last night laying in bed I made a list of everything I don't like about myself in my phone-- every single body part that bothers me and why.  It's in my phone so that I can look at it EVERYTIME i have the urge to go astray.  I NEED THIS MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. I've said this so many times and have believed myself that I almost feel like a liar and fake for claiming to conquer this since I have yet to do so.  I read in a magazine that when you eat sugary, fatty, salty foods that your body continues to crave them for usually the 4 days following because of something it changes in your blood level or something.  All I have to do is get by these four days and it'll get easier and easier from there.

I can only imagine how many of you are rolling your eyes are you read this and lose more and more faith in my everytime I post.  I'm strong and I have willpower and wise words but have yet to follow through with what I've set out to do.  I'm here at this place again to be happy again, and thinness is where my happiness is derrived from.  I'm embarrassed that I am this size and claim to be affected by ED and Ana because by looking at me, there's no proof at all.  Bare with me through this tough time.  The things that I'm dealing with and the things going through my head are all over the place but all have the same result -- upset.  Don't lose faith in me, for I have yet to lose faith in myself.


Whether I know my followers or not, I feel a strong bond with each and every one of your struggles.  I read each and every one of your posts from top to bottom and give construction critisism whenever I can.  I more than appreciate those of you who do the same for me.  I pray that everyone's days and last nights and tomorrow's go and will go as hoped or planned.  My heart is with you all.  I'm a little sensative today so sorry if this sounds forced or insincere, but it truly is how I feel.  Believe in me so I can believe in myself.  Today IS the day and I'm going to prove it to you. Thin thoughts always.

I can't lie to the people who keep me going

HERE WE GO AGAIN. Yesterday I posted about my previous day's binge.  My day started out pretty decent, I slept in and restricted until I went to the dining commons with my friends.  Two pieces of toast and peanut butter then pasta and sauce :/ As if that wasn't bad enough I came back to my room and skyped my sister and cried for like a good hour.  Not even cried, I sobbed.  I'm so unhappy with myself right now.  Later that night I ended up eating a ton of candy and popcorn. UGH. 

I wokeup this morning overtired, slept through my alarm, and EXTREMELY PUFFY.  My eyes are so puffy from crying for so long probably but I know my binge didn't do me any good.  I wokeup and could feel my huge stomach without even having to touch it -- I knew touching it might result in a break down so I stopped myself.  I can feel my thighs rub together when I walk -- I KNOW.. disgusting. 

When am I going to gain control of this vicious circle? I binge and then restrict and workout like crazy then skip the gym then binge then starve then binge again.  When will I be in control of myself again?  When am I going to stop letting some ridiculous voice in my head decide what I do without having any say in it?  I've said this many times before and I don't blame you if you don't believe me but TODAY is where it has to be put to an end.  I can't wait any longer or "try to see if I can stop myself" NO. I will stop myself. 

Today is a new day.  Today will be a new beginning.  NO more bingeing, no more giving in to that voice that I know I can ignore.  I'm going to set a mini goal for myself to get it going and try to continue it.  Today is the start to my four day NO BINGE cycle.  We all set up fasts and cleanses and what not for ourselves to follow for a certain amount of time, so why not do it with binges?  I encourage all of you ladies, and gentlemen if any?, so try this.  We have such strong willpower when it comes to pushing ourselves to meet our short term goals.  Here goes nothing. What do I have to lose right?


I will be skinny, whether anyone believes me or not. xo

Embarrassed but honest

Yeah I did it -- I binged yesterday after an AMAZING beginning to getting back on track.  I wish I could tell you why I did it, but I really have no idea.  To make matters worse I also skipped the gym, and did very little walking or activity yesterday.  After I ate all that food I didn't really feel anything but later on I had the WORST stomach ache, I felt like I might have to throwup.  Usually if I ever feel like I'm going to be sick I try to distract myself or get myself to forget about it because I HATE to throwup.  Last night was so different. I was leaning against my bed trying to wait for the pain to pass and I could feel the water I had just drank in my throat.  For a second I thought to myself -- I should really just go get sick like I know I'd hardly have to try because I was so full and truly felt sick. WOAH WOAH WOAH. Luckily I let that thought pass and started feeling less sick within the hour.

That is one of my biggest fears!  I have never let myself get sick like ever in my entire life.  Sure, I've gotten sick here and there but only when I was legitimately sick or for the few instances I was incredibly drunk.  I've never eaten too much, making myself get sick or purged.  I know that if I start those habits I'll get so out of control that I'll never get well.  With my exercise obsession now, I am already very fearful that this sickness is here to stay in my life and I may never be better. UGH.   I try not to think that way but how can I help but let that cross my mind sometimes. 

I'm so embarrassed about last night and really feel like I've let you girls down.  I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about what I did and how it definitely derailed my progress at this point. I'm really upset and bummed out today and I know I'm going to have to push myself to get out of this funk.  I've done it before so I know that I can do it again, I just wish I had some pleasant thoughts or motivation today.  I wokeup this morning think it was like 11 and it was really 2:25 in the afternoon!!!! It's an hour later now so I'm awake enough to get moving to the gym.  Thank God I have no class today.  I'll use the gym to make myself tired to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight hopefully.  I have a ton more to say to you girls but I'm just too upset with myself right now about what I did.  Telling you was the last thing I wanted to do but I know that we're all in this together and everyone has days like these.  Let's not let them get the best of us <3 Let's be skinny again <3

Be your own motivator.

We all have times where we just can't get up and moving for whatever reason.  It may be family, a guy, a fight with a friend or even worse, being upset with ourselves for how we look, our inability to reach a goal we were determined to make, a binge, or many other reasons.  If anyone knows about this, it's me.  I spent the last week or two yo-yoing back and forth between fasting, binging, crying, overeating, restricting, compulsivley exercising, skipping the gym for days, etcetcetc.  I was absolutely convinced this was going to continue to repeat itself without me having any control over it.. WRONG.

It's escpecially times like these that it is imperative you regain selfcontrol and get yourself back into the swing of things.  Yesterday I told myself I was going to the gym, and not leaving until I was in a better mood, and I did just that. Did it take about 3 hours maybe a little longer? yes, but i didn't leave and I didn't let my annoyed emotions get the best of me and today I feel great! I'm a little sore -- which I love to be, call me a weirdo but it reminds me that I'm going in the direction.

I woke up this morning sort of annoyed.  I had a horrible sleep, my drunk roommate was coughing ALL NIGHT LONG and like really loud and hard.  I was so worried everytime she coughed that it was going to make her throw up cause she was so drunk.  I have this awful but I guess sensative tendency to be sort of motherly to friends that I really care about.  I guess it is a good quality but it can be a full time job since I usually make other people's problems my own.  Anywayyyy! Yeah I wokeup like every two hours ish which just sucked cause I wanted to get a really good rest and wake up earlier today than usual.  Neither of these things happened which pissed me off a little thing morning but I took a deep breath and just smiled.  I smiled about nothing but me smiling instantly made me notice the good things about the day.  The window was open, which I usually leave open cause I like to be cold when I sleep, but it's warm out!  The air smelled like Florida which instantly made me happy.  I pulled back the blinds and saw how sunny it was , which brought another instant sense of happiness.

Being truly happy now, despite the annoying night I had, I jumped out of bed and went to go wash up and get my day started.  Washing up (brushing my teeth, and washing my hands and face) is the first thing I do when I wakeup every single morning.  It jump starts my day and makes me feel clean and awake.  Then I came on the computer to check my email, and blog -- reading your posts and commenting in hopes to help each of you find a positive aspect of your day even if you feel like it was a huge failure always makes me feel better.  I've spent a little more time on here than I wanted to but oh well! Thinspiration takes time and thought doesn't it!

This is getting long and I'm sure no one is going to seriously read this entire post, but that's okay.  To those of you who do, I genuinely appreciate it and I hope you find clarity, motivation, or atleast some kind of positive feeling from reading these.  I know that your posts and comments truly help me on days that I feel down and out and I can only hope that I do the same for you.  After all my rambling I guess I'll get to the main purpose of this post.  The title is self explanatory.  BE YOUR OWN MOTIVATOR.  Of course we have eachother's comments and posts to get us feeling good again, but you can't go through life depending on other people.  You need to prove to yourself that it is in your power to turn a bad day/rough night/difficult morning around.  You can do this, I can do this, We can do this. We WILL do this.


xo skinny.thin.happy.beautiful.

Here we gggo!

In my post earlier today I said I was going to the gym and trying to turn my mood around.. well guess what. IT WORKED!! I stayed there for like 3 and a half hours maybe.. I was tired in the very beginning so I got so annoyed and wasn't sure how long I was going to make it but as I kept going, my energy increased.  I came back and showered then walked to a store to get a new belly button ring because mine fell out at the gym :/ But whatever that was even more exercise so yay me!  I still haven't eaten yet today.. I decide that whenever I tell myself I won't eat for the day I find myself wanting to even more.  I think from now on I'll just kind of see how the day is going and just decide based on whether or not I can ignore my hunger or not.

Yeah it's great that I'm feeling somewhat better, but I need to make this last.  I'm going to try to get some school work done tonight so I won't feel as annoyed and stressed since I keep putting it off.  Hopefully I'm going to wakeup tomorrow with a good attitude -- if I don't, I'll fake it.  It's been proven that making yourself smile, laugh, etc can increase your mood.  Try it out my skinnies!  Hope everyone is well. xoxoxo



I don't care what anyone says.. thin IS everything.

It must be done

Alright my skinnies, like I said in my last post you may or may not have noticed that I haven't been being my usual self -- posting long, inspirational posts to get everyone up and moving or out a possible rut.  This is because I myself have been in a HORRIBLE, depressing, debilitating rut lately.  That rut ends TODAY.  Yesterday I tried to end this rut, went to the gym and stayed for a very short amount of time and came back to my room to cry.  I then ate and ate and ate and finally fell asleep. Did that help me? NO, it didn't.  The only person who can help me right now is myself.  I need to get myself going with one successful day and I'll be so motivated that I won't want to stop.  I did this before, I conquered laziness, self doubt, lack of motivation, and other negative thoughts about myself and got it done.  I can't remember any time that I was happier than when i was thin, and I'll start to get that back TODAY.

Off to the gym now, I'm going to make this session count.  No leaving early because I'm about to cry, no negative thinking, I'll just keep telling myself I know and WILL be that old version of myself again.  My happiness depends on the existance of that girl.  I miss her more than anything.  The hip bones, the coldness i'd feel everyday knowing how empty I was, how visible my collarbone was, how much i could feel my ribcage as I washed myself in the shower.  All of the these things won't be just a memory anymore, they need to be my reality again.

I also wanted to thank everyone for all the thinspiring, loving comments.  I couldn't get myself together with you girls.  Goodluck today everyone -- I hate that expression because I know you girls don't need luck, you have the willpower to complete your goals and live your dream.. so prove everyone, including yourself wrong, and do it! xo thin love

I know she's still in here, I just can't find her

As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven't made a real posting in quite some time.  I don't know what's going on with me lately.  My usual motivation has been shot and I cry almost everyday.  I was going to the gym literally everyday sometimes twice a day for two solid weeks and eating pretty well-- always burning more than I took in.  Where this awesome streak went you might ask? I wish I could tell you!  But I'm not doing so great as of the past 6 days or so.  I'll eat very little one day, binge the next, and it repeats.  WHAT THE HELL. This isn't me.. I need help. I always try to be there for you girls when you're in need and I hope you guys can give me some tips, wise words, and thin thoughts to push me back on track.  I'm beside myself and since this is the only support system I have for overexercising and restricting, I NEED YOU GUYS.  :( I need to be back to my motivational, optimistic self.  I know that girl's still in me, I just can't find her. 


Lastly, I wasnt to thank you guys so much for some of the awesome comments you've given me in the past -- I more than appreciate it.  Especially to Lottie, you're always there leaving loving comments, and to Lindsay, somethingsosmall, Ellie, Mia H, Thin Thrills, Ell, Smallasapanda you guys are all awesome! thanks for the great comments.  To Thin_Envy especially, your comment on my latest post brought me almost to tears, i felt such warmth through your post and I feel like this is exactly the kind of thing I need to get back on track.  Hoping for help from all of you. xo be thin, be lovely, be happy

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I said I'd be posting ways to avoid binging, overeating, and eating at all but I've been so stressed and busy I just haven't had the time -- I'll get to it soon though!  This is going to be a short post, just wanted to update any regular followers of mine, if there even are any haha!  Anyways I came home from school for the weekend to try to clear my head, didn't help much.

 I've been really really upset and my time here has opened my eyes to why.. which is basically the only perk of me coming home -- aside from my mom's encouragement.  She can be SO helpful when I'm upset.  She just tries to comfort and make me find the root of the problem.  The thing about this is I tend not to share it with her, I'll pretend it's something else that's bothering me because I don't want her to know I'm going back to old ways.. it would literally crush her.  That's why half of me feels so horribly for starving and fasting and exercising like a maniac, but I NEED this for myself.  I need to be pretty and wanted and envied and thin and thin and thin and THIN.

Yeah thin is the most important to me if you couldn't tell, mainly because in being thin comes all of the other things that I mentioned.  People say I'm already pretty and have a great body and that they find me attractive but I just don't believe them.  And even if they are telling the truth, I feel the exact opposite as they do so this still needs to be done. This post is getting way longer than I wanted it to be but I'll write a nice, insightful, optimistic one like I usually do soon.  I'm just in a huge rush and kind of rambling -- again sorry!  I hope everyone's doing wonderfully.  Thin thoughts <33