I have been doing great for the past week and tonight I royally messed up! I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and I didn't even try to stop myself, I just let it happen. I went to the convinient store at my school and got popcorn, goldfish, gummy worms, and peanut butter crackers. Yep I ate them all. I then proceeded to have a fiber one bar and 4 more peanut butter crackers. I just had a small package of fruit snacks and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I think since I've been doing such an awesome job restricting that my stomach has shrunk and I really can't take a lot of food.
I'm so upset with myself I'm fighting back tears. I can't let my roommate realize cause I can't explain to her how I'm feeling. She's been feeling really self conscious lately and I don't want my issue to add to her feelings. I certainly don't want to give her any ideas about my way of life cause I don't want anyone to have to go through what I go through if they don't have to. My heart is pounding, I can't even explain how upset I am with myself and how disappointed I am. I know that I can just pick up where I left off tomorrow but telling myself that isn't making me feel any better.
Today I was looking at pictures from the summer before I came to school for a week and had to take a medical leave of absence. I LOVED the way I looked. I was so happy and tan and thin and boney. All I want to do is be that girl again. It's the hardest thing on the weekends to try to get dressed and end up frustrated and making up an excuse so that I don't have to go out. Truly all I want to do is go out and be my old happy self but getting dressed is so hard for me because everything is tighter than it used to be. Granted the clothes I have here are my ana clothes but STILL. Those are the clothes I want to wear and fit into. I will wear those clothes sooner than later and I can't let tonight derail all the progress I've been making.
I hope everyone had a more successful day than I did and I hope my post doesn't depress you. I just needed to express my feelings cause I honestly can't even deal with myself right now I'm so disgusted by myself. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll continue to repeat that to myself until I believe it. The road to thin is never easy, but in times of struggle we can't pull over. When faced with a tough situation we must stop ourselves before we act. All my support <3 xo
I just wanted to say thank you for your comment earlier, it actually made me feel alot better.
ReplyDeleteGood luck for tomorrow, you'll do great.
x
I think you said it perfectly. You can't give up. The binges are so hard and such an awful set back. I hate them. They make you feel worse not only physically but also mentally. You just gotta keep fighting and pushing. You sound like a strong willed person.
ReplyDeleteKeep striving and stay strong.