Horoscopes. . .

So my bad day yesterday turned into a bad night unfortunately.  I ended up eating a bunch of snacks -- low cal snacks, but extra food nonetheless.  I definitely didn't over eat I just ate more than I was trying to for the day.  I made up some excuse, which was very believable if I do say so myself, to my friends so that they'd not bug me about coming out cause my excuse made it impossible for me to.  I was in bed around 1am and didn't fall asleep until around SIX IN THE MORNING give or take.  I wokeup around tenish so I only got like four hours.  While I was lying awake last night I was thinking about how carefree and confident my friends are -- two of which are bigger than me, but still have the confidence to go to parties and get guys.

I thought about my exboyfriend and how I've been holding onto all the upset I feel towards him.. he's holding me back.  This entire thing is holding me back.  I feel that if I'm not tiny tiny tiny that no one will like me.  My right mind knows that that isn't the case and I guess that's something I was helped to learn through therapy in my last recovery.  I agreed to recovery because my mind was out of control.  I wasn't my normal funny, happy, crazy self and I didn't even remember what it was like to be optimistic or enthusiastic.  Although I regained those qualities through nourishing myself I still find myself unhappy at the end of most days.

I still sit here thinking that if i'm not thinner than no one will want anything to do with me.  After every weekend as my friends are exchanging hookup stories I just kind of sit there thinking that no one pursued me because of how I look.  But then I stop myself and realize that there's so many things wrong with that theory.. For one my friends that get guys aren't even super super thin at all, two they're the ones who are crazy flirts and pursue people, three I don't even attempt to pursue guys because I'm so distraught about my body and lack the confidence I used to have when I could get -- not to sound cocky -- but almost any guy I wanted.

There needs to be a balance here.  I need to be happy and continue my journey to thin but not let it ruin my experiences and relationships with other people.  I so badly need this to turn around because without confidence I'm not going to thrive.  What are you supposed to do when you look in the mirror and are disgusted with the reflection looking back at you? What are you supposed to do when you make up excuses to not go out just because you don't want to go through the devastation of trying on outfits and hating everything you put on?  I sit in my room and want to be like my friends, like my old self -- the girl who couldn't wait to go out and show off an outfit and pick up a guy in an instant.  I NEED to be that girl again -- my happiness depends on it.

With all that being said -- I'm a huge believer in horoscopes.  I mean sometimes they're so off it's ridiculous but sometimes they couldn't be more right.  Sometimes I wait until halfway through my day to read it to see if it's going the way predicted in my horoscope, and sometimes I read it right in the morning and hope for something optimistic that might give me a push.  Today I decided to read it this moring and I'm glad I did.  It said:

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

The concerns and responsibilities in your life have been surprisingly enjoyable lately. The affection you feel for the people involved is buoying you, lifting you along without much effort on your part. This represents a real turning point in your life ... you're entering a time when you can handle anything. You understand that trivial concerns deserve less attention than you've been giving them. Don't let a thorn in your side cripple you. Just pull it out and go on!

In reading this, I'm going to continue my journey to thin, and try to be happy with myself throughout the whole way.  We're always looking to the future, the end point.  We sell ourselves short when we don't celebrate our daily successes which ends up making us more unhappy with ourselves and more likely to binge.  Each day in our journies we need to acknowledge outloud or in our minds atleast one thing we succeeded in.  The more things we are able to acknowledge, the better we'll feel.. and maybe we'll try harder to complete our daily goals just to be able to feel that incredible feeling.

Sorry that this is so long and potentially boring -- hopefully some of you may find it helpful, I just had to try to find some optimism within myself.  Goodluck on your goals today, you're all in my thoughts as I want to stop or slow down the treadmill.  It's when I think of you that I keep pushing myself harder.  I know   -- well hope-- we're all in this together and I don't want to let you guys down.  Be successful, optimistic, and happy along the way!  Don't let one slipup throw off your day.. walk away from the situation and talk yourself through a binge or a negative feeling.  Let's prove it to ourselves how strong we truly are.