I can't lie to the people who keep me going

HERE WE GO AGAIN. Yesterday I posted about my previous day's binge.  My day started out pretty decent, I slept in and restricted until I went to the dining commons with my friends.  Two pieces of toast and peanut butter then pasta and sauce :/ As if that wasn't bad enough I came back to my room and skyped my sister and cried for like a good hour.  Not even cried, I sobbed.  I'm so unhappy with myself right now.  Later that night I ended up eating a ton of candy and popcorn. UGH. 

I wokeup this morning overtired, slept through my alarm, and EXTREMELY PUFFY.  My eyes are so puffy from crying for so long probably but I know my binge didn't do me any good.  I wokeup and could feel my huge stomach without even having to touch it -- I knew touching it might result in a break down so I stopped myself.  I can feel my thighs rub together when I walk -- I KNOW.. disgusting. 

When am I going to gain control of this vicious circle? I binge and then restrict and workout like crazy then skip the gym then binge then starve then binge again.  When will I be in control of myself again?  When am I going to stop letting some ridiculous voice in my head decide what I do without having any say in it?  I've said this many times before and I don't blame you if you don't believe me but TODAY is where it has to be put to an end.  I can't wait any longer or "try to see if I can stop myself" NO. I will stop myself. 

Today is a new day.  Today will be a new beginning.  NO more bingeing, no more giving in to that voice that I know I can ignore.  I'm going to set a mini goal for myself to get it going and try to continue it.  Today is the start to my four day NO BINGE cycle.  We all set up fasts and cleanses and what not for ourselves to follow for a certain amount of time, so why not do it with binges?  I encourage all of you ladies, and gentlemen if any?, so try this.  We have such strong willpower when it comes to pushing ourselves to meet our short term goals.  Here goes nothing. What do I have to lose right?


I will be skinny, whether anyone believes me or not. xo

Embarrassed but honest

Yeah I did it -- I binged yesterday after an AMAZING beginning to getting back on track.  I wish I could tell you why I did it, but I really have no idea.  To make matters worse I also skipped the gym, and did very little walking or activity yesterday.  After I ate all that food I didn't really feel anything but later on I had the WORST stomach ache, I felt like I might have to throwup.  Usually if I ever feel like I'm going to be sick I try to distract myself or get myself to forget about it because I HATE to throwup.  Last night was so different. I was leaning against my bed trying to wait for the pain to pass and I could feel the water I had just drank in my throat.  For a second I thought to myself -- I should really just go get sick like I know I'd hardly have to try because I was so full and truly felt sick. WOAH WOAH WOAH. Luckily I let that thought pass and started feeling less sick within the hour.

That is one of my biggest fears!  I have never let myself get sick like ever in my entire life.  Sure, I've gotten sick here and there but only when I was legitimately sick or for the few instances I was incredibly drunk.  I've never eaten too much, making myself get sick or purged.  I know that if I start those habits I'll get so out of control that I'll never get well.  With my exercise obsession now, I am already very fearful that this sickness is here to stay in my life and I may never be better. UGH.   I try not to think that way but how can I help but let that cross my mind sometimes. 

I'm so embarrassed about last night and really feel like I've let you girls down.  I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about what I did and how it definitely derailed my progress at this point. I'm really upset and bummed out today and I know I'm going to have to push myself to get out of this funk.  I've done it before so I know that I can do it again, I just wish I had some pleasant thoughts or motivation today.  I wokeup this morning think it was like 11 and it was really 2:25 in the afternoon!!!! It's an hour later now so I'm awake enough to get moving to the gym.  Thank God I have no class today.  I'll use the gym to make myself tired to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight hopefully.  I have a ton more to say to you girls but I'm just too upset with myself right now about what I did.  Telling you was the last thing I wanted to do but I know that we're all in this together and everyone has days like these.  Let's not let them get the best of us <3 Let's be skinny again <3

Be your own motivator.

We all have times where we just can't get up and moving for whatever reason.  It may be family, a guy, a fight with a friend or even worse, being upset with ourselves for how we look, our inability to reach a goal we were determined to make, a binge, or many other reasons.  If anyone knows about this, it's me.  I spent the last week or two yo-yoing back and forth between fasting, binging, crying, overeating, restricting, compulsivley exercising, skipping the gym for days, etcetcetc.  I was absolutely convinced this was going to continue to repeat itself without me having any control over it.. WRONG.

It's escpecially times like these that it is imperative you regain selfcontrol and get yourself back into the swing of things.  Yesterday I told myself I was going to the gym, and not leaving until I was in a better mood, and I did just that. Did it take about 3 hours maybe a little longer? yes, but i didn't leave and I didn't let my annoyed emotions get the best of me and today I feel great! I'm a little sore -- which I love to be, call me a weirdo but it reminds me that I'm going in the direction.

I woke up this morning sort of annoyed.  I had a horrible sleep, my drunk roommate was coughing ALL NIGHT LONG and like really loud and hard.  I was so worried everytime she coughed that it was going to make her throw up cause she was so drunk.  I have this awful but I guess sensative tendency to be sort of motherly to friends that I really care about.  I guess it is a good quality but it can be a full time job since I usually make other people's problems my own.  Anywayyyy! Yeah I wokeup like every two hours ish which just sucked cause I wanted to get a really good rest and wake up earlier today than usual.  Neither of these things happened which pissed me off a little thing morning but I took a deep breath and just smiled.  I smiled about nothing but me smiling instantly made me notice the good things about the day.  The window was open, which I usually leave open cause I like to be cold when I sleep, but it's warm out!  The air smelled like Florida which instantly made me happy.  I pulled back the blinds and saw how sunny it was , which brought another instant sense of happiness.

Being truly happy now, despite the annoying night I had, I jumped out of bed and went to go wash up and get my day started.  Washing up (brushing my teeth, and washing my hands and face) is the first thing I do when I wakeup every single morning.  It jump starts my day and makes me feel clean and awake.  Then I came on the computer to check my email, and blog -- reading your posts and commenting in hopes to help each of you find a positive aspect of your day even if you feel like it was a huge failure always makes me feel better.  I've spent a little more time on here than I wanted to but oh well! Thinspiration takes time and thought doesn't it!

This is getting long and I'm sure no one is going to seriously read this entire post, but that's okay.  To those of you who do, I genuinely appreciate it and I hope you find clarity, motivation, or atleast some kind of positive feeling from reading these.  I know that your posts and comments truly help me on days that I feel down and out and I can only hope that I do the same for you.  After all my rambling I guess I'll get to the main purpose of this post.  The title is self explanatory.  BE YOUR OWN MOTIVATOR.  Of course we have eachother's comments and posts to get us feeling good again, but you can't go through life depending on other people.  You need to prove to yourself that it is in your power to turn a bad day/rough night/difficult morning around.  You can do this, I can do this, We can do this. We WILL do this.


xo skinny.thin.happy.beautiful.

Here we gggo!

In my post earlier today I said I was going to the gym and trying to turn my mood around.. well guess what. IT WORKED!! I stayed there for like 3 and a half hours maybe.. I was tired in the very beginning so I got so annoyed and wasn't sure how long I was going to make it but as I kept going, my energy increased.  I came back and showered then walked to a store to get a new belly button ring because mine fell out at the gym :/ But whatever that was even more exercise so yay me!  I still haven't eaten yet today.. I decide that whenever I tell myself I won't eat for the day I find myself wanting to even more.  I think from now on I'll just kind of see how the day is going and just decide based on whether or not I can ignore my hunger or not.

Yeah it's great that I'm feeling somewhat better, but I need to make this last.  I'm going to try to get some school work done tonight so I won't feel as annoyed and stressed since I keep putting it off.  Hopefully I'm going to wakeup tomorrow with a good attitude -- if I don't, I'll fake it.  It's been proven that making yourself smile, laugh, etc can increase your mood.  Try it out my skinnies!  Hope everyone is well. xoxoxo



I don't care what anyone says.. thin IS everything.

It must be done

Alright my skinnies, like I said in my last post you may or may not have noticed that I haven't been being my usual self -- posting long, inspirational posts to get everyone up and moving or out a possible rut.  This is because I myself have been in a HORRIBLE, depressing, debilitating rut lately.  That rut ends TODAY.  Yesterday I tried to end this rut, went to the gym and stayed for a very short amount of time and came back to my room to cry.  I then ate and ate and ate and finally fell asleep. Did that help me? NO, it didn't.  The only person who can help me right now is myself.  I need to get myself going with one successful day and I'll be so motivated that I won't want to stop.  I did this before, I conquered laziness, self doubt, lack of motivation, and other negative thoughts about myself and got it done.  I can't remember any time that I was happier than when i was thin, and I'll start to get that back TODAY.

Off to the gym now, I'm going to make this session count.  No leaving early because I'm about to cry, no negative thinking, I'll just keep telling myself I know and WILL be that old version of myself again.  My happiness depends on the existance of that girl.  I miss her more than anything.  The hip bones, the coldness i'd feel everyday knowing how empty I was, how visible my collarbone was, how much i could feel my ribcage as I washed myself in the shower.  All of the these things won't be just a memory anymore, they need to be my reality again.

I also wanted to thank everyone for all the thinspiring, loving comments.  I couldn't get myself together with you girls.  Goodluck today everyone -- I hate that expression because I know you girls don't need luck, you have the willpower to complete your goals and live your dream.. so prove everyone, including yourself wrong, and do it! xo thin love

I know she's still in here, I just can't find her

As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven't made a real posting in quite some time.  I don't know what's going on with me lately.  My usual motivation has been shot and I cry almost everyday.  I was going to the gym literally everyday sometimes twice a day for two solid weeks and eating pretty well-- always burning more than I took in.  Where this awesome streak went you might ask? I wish I could tell you!  But I'm not doing so great as of the past 6 days or so.  I'll eat very little one day, binge the next, and it repeats.  WHAT THE HELL. This isn't me.. I need help. I always try to be there for you girls when you're in need and I hope you guys can give me some tips, wise words, and thin thoughts to push me back on track.  I'm beside myself and since this is the only support system I have for overexercising and restricting, I NEED YOU GUYS.  :( I need to be back to my motivational, optimistic self.  I know that girl's still in me, I just can't find her. 


Lastly, I wasnt to thank you guys so much for some of the awesome comments you've given me in the past -- I more than appreciate it.  Especially to Lottie, you're always there leaving loving comments, and to Lindsay, somethingsosmall, Ellie, Mia H, Thin Thrills, Ell, Smallasapanda you guys are all awesome! thanks for the great comments.  To Thin_Envy especially, your comment on my latest post brought me almost to tears, i felt such warmth through your post and I feel like this is exactly the kind of thing I need to get back on track.  Hoping for help from all of you. xo be thin, be lovely, be happy

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I said I'd be posting ways to avoid binging, overeating, and eating at all but I've been so stressed and busy I just haven't had the time -- I'll get to it soon though!  This is going to be a short post, just wanted to update any regular followers of mine, if there even are any haha!  Anyways I came home from school for the weekend to try to clear my head, didn't help much.

 I've been really really upset and my time here has opened my eyes to why.. which is basically the only perk of me coming home -- aside from my mom's encouragement.  She can be SO helpful when I'm upset.  She just tries to comfort and make me find the root of the problem.  The thing about this is I tend not to share it with her, I'll pretend it's something else that's bothering me because I don't want her to know I'm going back to old ways.. it would literally crush her.  That's why half of me feels so horribly for starving and fasting and exercising like a maniac, but I NEED this for myself.  I need to be pretty and wanted and envied and thin and thin and thin and THIN.

Yeah thin is the most important to me if you couldn't tell, mainly because in being thin comes all of the other things that I mentioned.  People say I'm already pretty and have a great body and that they find me attractive but I just don't believe them.  And even if they are telling the truth, I feel the exact opposite as they do so this still needs to be done. This post is getting way longer than I wanted it to be but I'll write a nice, insightful, optimistic one like I usually do soon.  I'm just in a huge rush and kind of rambling -- again sorry!  I hope everyone's doing wonderfully.  Thin thoughts <33