Believe me this time.

Alright so I once again have to apologize for being M.I.A which includes posting of my own and commenting on everyone else's posts!  I love trying to pick you girls up when you're having a tough day or being encouraging when you've had a good one so I'm really really sorry that I haven't been around.  I just finished my freshmen year at college and the last two weeks I had so much work to do!  I've also been really sick for awhile and didn't findout until I came home that I had a really bad sinus infection :/ Anyways my doctor gave me medicine and I finally feel better enough today that I can get off my fat ass and go to the gym. THANK GOD.

I don't know how I let myself get back to my old weight.  I am SO unhappy with how I look and feel and although I've said this so many times before, nows the time that I'm going to fix it.  Here's whats going to get me through this.  I am going to a summer program at school for six weeks so that I can get more credits faster which will hopefully lead me to be able to graduate before four years!  With that being said, it's going to be a boring six weeks.  None of my friends will be going there with me, so there will be no temptation.  All I'll have is my busy school schedule and the gym!  I am literally so excited to go because I know that this is exactly what I need.  I'm leaving in five days but I'm not going to wait to start my weightloss until then.  I plan on going to the gym the rest of the time I'm here and restricting as much as I possibly can.  It'll be much better when I get to school and I don't have my mom on my ass about food and eating.

The other night I posted real quick just to sum up what's been going on with me.  I said I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom that night.  What happened was I was really upset that I had gained weight and she usually is so helpful to me.  Usually she'll just hug me and help me feel less bad and tell me that I'll do what I need to and we'll figure this whole thing out but she was not nice like that AT ALL.  She was like this is a way bigger problem than I thought, we took you to treatment and therapy and stuff and you're still like this and I think you're not gonna be able to go to school and we'll have to send you to a treatment facility.  I got so mad I was like yeah Mom that's exactly what's going to help me, send me away with a bunch of skinny teeny tiny girls that I don't belong being around since I'm fat and I'll feel even worse being around them.  Anyways we kept arguing like all night and it was so annoying but even more upsetting.  I talked to my Dad about it and he was like no it's okay you're still going to school you just need to stay healthy and I said I would but like yeah right I can't look like this anymore so I'm doing the exact opposite.  I feel bad for lying cause I always try to be really honest with myself and everyone else but I gotta do what I gotta do.

So basically here we go again with my out of control tendancies.  Not officially until Sunday will I be out of control but still, I can't wait.  I can't wait to be cold all the time and feel my hip bones and ugh I just CAN'T WAIT!!!!  But with that said I should be back now since I'm not sick andd I'll have more time to talk about my life and struggles and whatnot.  I hope everyone is succeeding on their goals and staying up.  Don't let one hard day or a few hard days get you down because we can all do this!  xo

:X

I'm really sick and getting ready for bed soon but just wanted to tell you about my horrible night.  Got inot a HUGE fight with my mom about my ED.  It was like so out of no where because she is usually so supportive and just hugs me and says it'll be okay but tonight she was like so not nice about it at all.  I'm REALLY upset like so so upset I started thinking about just leaving and never talking to her again.. I'm 19 so I can technically do that.  UGH so frustrated, so upset, so hurt, SO MAD.  Too many feelings right now.  I'll post tomorrow morning with the entire story, just wanted to quickly get this off my chest.  Goodnight girls <3

I want to..

I want to be the pretty girl I used to be
I want to be the small size I strove to be
I want to have the drive I used to be overcome with
I want to be the envy of all my friends
I want to be the girl all the guys talk about
I want to feel successful like I used to
I want to feel beautiful enough to experience the intimacy with guys that I did before
I want to look in the mirror and feel something other than disgust
I want to stop being embarrassed of what I've become
I want to see what other people see in me
I want to be able to find something positive in myself but can't because of how blinded I am by my innumerable flaws
I want to be happy


I want to. But more than I want to, I need to

:(

The title should be pretty self explanatory.  So I haven't posted in almost a week and there's a good reason for that.  Basically I was doing SO awesome that I didn't want to read anyone's slip up stories just incase it lead me to binge or mess up in some other way. Yes that sounds incrediblyyyy selfish and ridiculous but I was just so afraid to go astray and ruin the streak I had been on.  I was going to the gym daily and burning a thousand calories each time.  This made is SO easy to follow my 250cal a day challenge.  Each day I ended up in the negatives which felt awesome. 

I'm posting today because I ruined this streak yesterday and today.  I had this HUGE paper due for school, 20 pages not including title page and my 12 cited sources.  The guidelines on the paper were so strict and I was SO stressed out about finishing it.  I finally got it done yesterday and I was just so over tired and hungry and like emotional ( i guess because i was so thrilled to finally be done with it? ) that I had absolutely no energy to go to the gym.  All I wanted to do was relax and get to bed early which didn't happen unfortunately. 

Yesterday I didn't really binge I just ate more than 250 but I wasn't that upset with myself.  Today however I slept until two because I was so tired and I wokeup starving.  I ate way too much at lunch and skipped dinner because I was so upset after.  I've been snacking on candy and goldfish so my stomach just feels gross which makes me feel fat and disgusting.  In my right mind I can look at this as a slipup that truly truly truly isn't even close to the one's I've had in the past which does make me feel stronger.  However since lunch today I look and the mirror and cry immediately just because I'm so distraught and upset of what I've become.

I don't want to talk to my roommate or friends about it because I'm so ashamed.  I've basically spent my day alone and that's exactly how I wanted to.  I've only been awake for like 7 hours and I cannot WAIT for bed.  Thank GOD it's already almost ten so I can try to get to sleep early and start new tomorrow.  I wish I had better news for everyone and I'm feeling so beside myself not only because I've let myself down but also everyone who tell me that I'm an inspiration to them.  I hope to have a better attitude for everyone tomorrow morning.  Hoping that no one is feeling like me right now :( and that everyone's weeks are going well.  Thinking of all of you.


It'll happen, not only because I've done it before, but because I know I have the strength to do it again<3

Where have I been?!

So it's been almost a week since I last posted, I've been kind of M.I.A lately.  My apologies if you've missed me!  My sister came up to visit me at college and talked me into going home for Easter :/ I really didn't want to because I know I always end up binging while home cause all of my friends want to catch up over lunch or ice cream and I get upset with myself and there you go, I end up binging.  While I was home I did overeat but not as much as I have in the past which I was kind of glad about.  I had a couple of breakdowns to my mom and sister but they did feel good.  They sort of put into perspective how unhappy I really am with how I look.

When I'm unhappy with what I look like I don't even want to wake up.  I lay in bed dreading having to get dressed and deal with being hungry and ignoring or giving into the hunger.  I don't want to get up and end up finding a way to skip out on the gym.  The reality of all this is that yes, I really am unhappy, but honestly what is hiding out in my room going to do for me?  Until I push myself this is what I'm going to look like so here I go.  I posted sticky notes on my wall with the day and date on each one until I leave college for the summer.  Only 10 DAYS. YIKES. But basically the point of this is to make myself go to the gym EVERYDAY.  I can't rip off the sticky note until I go to the gym.  If I don't go it stays there and reminds me that I was a slacker and let myself skip. 

Hopefully this will motivate me cause I need some motivation to get myself moving again.  I said I was going to do the 10 days 250 calorie challenge but that ended when I gave in to going home for the weekend :/ today restarts my challenge.  I have ten days left of college and I will finish the challenge successfully so I can already have a head start to before I get home.  If I complete this there's noway I'll want to binge when I go home, and honestly I haven't even had the urge to binge lately at all. I'm sick of food in general and tired of how much I've ate.  And let me correct myself, **when I complete the challenge**.  I'm in a great mood today so I'm off to the gym to make it even better!  Thinking of you girls an extra lot today! xo



Thin is E V E R Y T H I N G. It truly is.

The Next Ten Days..

So I got this idea from a posting Zane had.  For ten days she is going to have a net of 250 calories per day to get some serious weightloss.  This is EXACTLY what I need to kick of the loss of some serious pounds and get me back on track.  I am so excited about this challenge and have no doubt in myself that I will complete it.  Lottie and I agreed to jump in on the challenge with Zane and I encourage anyone else who is serious about it to do the same.  This is just what I need right now and I am SO SO SO determined.  Today is the beginning of this challenge for me and I am very intent on completing it.  My confidence and self motivation NEEDS it. 

I don't think I have anything else to say right now minus the fact that I've been giving into all of my cravings due to the fact that I'm stressed out with school and a couple other decisions I've had to make lately.  These are both no excuses and that's where those habits end.  Right now, today, here.  I've said it before yes I know, no one will believe me until I believe myself.  Here we go, it's now or never so I'm telling myself let's do this and get your happiness back. 

I'll post later probably.  Just wanted to publicize this new venture I'm starting today.  XO skinnyminilove

Needing some serious help

Okay this needs to be short and sweet since I have to leave for class in 15 minutes.  I feel like I have figured out my struggle with sticking to the things I've ben setting myself to do.  Before I went through recovery I rarely to never had cravings and urges to binge or overeat -- yeah I know hard to believe.  Even when I was around my friends who'd be indulging in icecream, candy, McDonald's, or any other shitty foods that I have weaknesses to I would stand my ground without the least bit of hesitation.  Damn I miss that girl. Anyways before me eating disorder was an eating disorder, I used to go to the gym for fun and relaxation.  After the gym I simply truly wasn't hungry for the junk I used to love.  When given the chance to eat those weaknesses of mine I'd usually be uninterested and refrain from eating them. 

When my eating disorder came about, I had been resisting these foods for some time upon my own will.  It was so easy to develope an eating disorder because I had been without these foods for so long that I no longer missed them.  Basically what I feel like I've realized is that my plans and goals are so extreme that I'm wanting these foods so badly because I'm telling myself I can't have them not because I truly want them or am hungry.  I need to get myself back into this because I'm literally disgusted with what I look like.  Upon this realization the only sensible thing to do would be to try to avoid these foods but give myself a treat every now and again and make sure I let myself know that I'm going to treat myself. 

The problem with that theory is that I feel like I don't deserve to treat myself.  I'm gross, thick, fat, bloated, ugly, fat, FAT, FAT FAT.  UGH.  Stuck between a rock and a hard place right now people.  Please comment with any ideas or thinspiration you have for me.  xo Love.