Ashamed but proud at the same time

Short and sweet. Ive done amazing all week. Gym everyday having a net of atleast -500 cals everyday.. Yes that's a negative sign! Until today I was tired and run down after a five am gym session followed by 8 hours of back to back classes. I binged. I didn't even want to do it I don't know why I let myself. I walked to the dining hall to get a sandwich and then go to the conviniencs store beside it an get goldfish and m&ms. I got there and did neither and left. On my walk back I passed another convenience store and caved. I binges on pretzel m&ms which are deadly, DONT TRY THEM, a kitkat, a small pack of sour worms, answering and goldfish except I threw away the goldfish once I caught ahold of myself. I layed in bed still tired and even more ashamed of myself that I didn't stop earlier. After awhile I was watching tv and saw Lauren Conrad on the hills eating something that resembled a shake. MCDONALDS popped in my head. I love their shakes! I fought the feeling for awhile until I couldn't get over it. I got up and walked to mcdonalds. I got there, looked at it from across the street and kept walking. I was so close to giving in and ruining my hard work even more but I didn't it! On my walk home i passed Wendy's, burger king, walmart, rite aid, shaws, and dunkin donuts. I'm lying in my bed trying not to cry. I'm realizing that my old passion is back. I hate feeling full from what I binged on. After a week of feeling empty addicted to it again. I'm excited about this but upset about the hopeless feelings that come along with this desire. Will I ever get there again? I won't stop until I do <3