Ashamed but proud at the same time

Short and sweet. Ive done amazing all week. Gym everyday having a net of atleast -500 cals everyday.. Yes that's a negative sign! Until today I was tired and run down after a five am gym session followed by 8 hours of back to back classes. I binged. I didn't even want to do it I don't know why I let myself. I walked to the dining hall to get a sandwich and then go to the conviniencs store beside it an get goldfish and m&ms. I got there and did neither and left. On my walk back I passed another convenience store and caved. I binges on pretzel m&ms which are deadly, DONT TRY THEM, a kitkat, a small pack of sour worms, answering and goldfish except I threw away the goldfish once I caught ahold of myself. I layed in bed still tired and even more ashamed of myself that I didn't stop earlier. After awhile I was watching tv and saw Lauren Conrad on the hills eating something that resembled a shake. MCDONALDS popped in my head. I love their shakes! I fought the feeling for awhile until I couldn't get over it. I got up and walked to mcdonalds. I got there, looked at it from across the street and kept walking. I was so close to giving in and ruining my hard work even more but I didn't it! On my walk home i passed Wendy's, burger king, walmart, rite aid, shaws, and dunkin donuts. I'm lying in my bed trying not to cry. I'm realizing that my old passion is back. I hate feeling full from what I binged on. After a week of feeling empty addicted to it again. I'm excited about this but upset about the hopeless feelings that come along with this desire. Will I ever get there again? I won't stop until I do <3

Competition is what's gonna get me somewhere

I'm going to try to post in a few hours but I wanted to tell you girls about a new plan my roommate from college and I are doing.  She gained alot of weight over the semester and would always complain about it and I'd just be like you're fine just eat healthier because I didn't know what else to say -- she was right she was starting to get noticeably bigger.  I as well gained weight probably because she always wanted to eat and since I was new I wanted to get to know her and her friends so we could all be close.  I know I shouldn't be blaming her because it's my fault that I let my eating get out of hand but I feel like she played a small part in it. 

ANYWAYS, we were talking the other day about how awful we both feel and how we want to lose weight.  So I came up with this idea.  I'm weighing myself in this morning and seeing how much weight I can lose by Friday.  We're doing a weigh-in every Friday to see who has lost more weight.  I don't think of myself as that competitive of a person but when it comes to weightloss I can get SO COMPETITIVE.  I hate when people get skinnier than me so I feel like this is going to be my drive.  I want to be the littlest!  I want to be the smaller cuter person in our room in the fall and I will be!  Here we go.. Off to the gym to start this.  I'll let you know how much I weighed in at and keep you updated for Friday!!

Thinking of everyone.  Hope you're feeling as hopeful as I am on this gloomy day <3

I'm going..

So I'm on new medicine and I'm already starting to feel better!!! YAY.  Extremely hopeful that I'll get to the gym tomorrow and be back on my way to beautiful.  I need this really badly, just as I know that you all feel the same way.  This effects my life so  much it's incredible.  I'm so pissed of with people I know because I'm embarrassed and I feel like they're embarrassed of me.  My sister and i went from being the best of friends to only talking here and there because of how I've been acting.  But I won't let her down.  I'm going to change how I look again and it'll fix our relationship, I know it will.

Last night I had this dream.. it's really weird so don't judge me haha.  I was in this huge gorgeous church and I went to a private school all my life so it kind of makes sense.  Anyways it was a really long dream and I don't remember all of it but basically I hookedup with three of my exboyfriends in the loft of the church and I was like so happy about it? haha.  Yeah weird I know but then I read my horoscope today and this is what it said:
The insight you've been taking from your dreams lately will serve you well today. Follow your gut and do what you think you need to. Certain images are recurring in your life, and the same issues are popping up again and again. Your subconscious is keying you in on what you need to deal with first. It's now time for you to deal with things once and for all. Getting to the heart of the matter as quickly as you can today will save you a lot of headaches later in the week.       

Basically what I took from this is that I lost my sense of loving and being happy.  I lost this when I lost what I had worked so hard to earn and that was thin.  I know that once I'm thin again and feel beautiful I'll want to have relationships and put myself out there but right now I'm just too ashamed of my appearance.  I need everyone's thoughts right now and I hope you all believe in me.  I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.  I'm going to be happy again.

why me?

I haven't been posting because I haven't been getting any positive feedback of my recent posts that I've done here and there and because I really don't have anything good to say.  I think the last two times I've posted it was explaining how sick I have been and how I should be getting better soon so I could get back to the gym.  Well that still hasn't happened.  Honestly I haven't been to the gym in a good 3 weeks.  I am STILL sick, yes still.  Not just like oh I don't feel very well sick like sinus infection sick.  They gave me medicine to take it away but of course that medicine made me feel dizzy, light-headed, and nauseous. COOL.  Yeah I was supposed to take that four 14 days but I stopped when I got to school on Sunday because it's only making me feel worse. 

Sunday night into Monday morning I wokeup with a fever and my entire body hurt.  I had a fever all day Monday and hardly left my bed.  I got ahead of the fever by taking tylenol and nyquil.  I was feeling a bit better yesterday but my throat is still killing me!  Today's Wednesday and it still hurts so I'm going to go to the health center to get tested for strep.  I noticed this morning while brushing my teeth that my eyes are a little red again -- if that damn sinus infection is back i dont know what I'll do with myself. UGH

No one has to agree with me on this one but I am a HUGE believer in the saying "Everything happens for a reason."  It's proven itself to be true SO many times in my life that I'd be insane not to believe it.  Right now, however, I'm having a really hard time understanding why God is trying to come between me and my happiness -- my happiness being losing weight.  I need this so badly I can't even deal with it anymore.  I am so ashamed of how big I am now.  If I could move away where I knew nobody and not come back until I was thin again I would do it in an instant.  I don't care how lonely or sad I'd be I am just way too embarrassed of what I've become and although my friends tell me I look healthy and good again I don't care.  I know the truth and it's that I look fat and disgusting. 

I'm not looking for anyone to disagree with me because this is something I KNOW.  I know my legs rub together, I know my arms are falbby, I know my colar bone is barely visible, I know my ass is huge again, I know I have dimples on my butt, I know my stomach hangs out -- not that I wear anything tight enough for it to be seen -- but you get the picture.  I've fixed all of these things before and I was literally perfect.  I need to be back there but I can't do it when I'm so damn sick.  Upset doesn't even describe how I'm feeling.  I don't know what to do right now. Ugh Help. :'(

help please

This needs to be short and sweet.  I haven't been around because I'm not getting the same support and encouragement that I used to get from blogging so I guess I might as well do it on my own.  I'm hoping someone can help me with the one question I have.  I'm looking for an online site that tells me what my daily calorie intake needs to be to reach my goal weight in the number of weeks I want to reach it.  I forget the exact name for it that's what I'm having a hard time finding it.. something like a weightloss calorie calculator maybe?  Most of the one's I've found in the past are the healthy ones that don't let you exceed more than 2 lbs of weightloss per week but I need more than that.  If anyone knows of one please comment, I need your help badly!!!!!!

Believe me this time.

Alright so I once again have to apologize for being M.I.A which includes posting of my own and commenting on everyone else's posts!  I love trying to pick you girls up when you're having a tough day or being encouraging when you've had a good one so I'm really really sorry that I haven't been around.  I just finished my freshmen year at college and the last two weeks I had so much work to do!  I've also been really sick for awhile and didn't findout until I came home that I had a really bad sinus infection :/ Anyways my doctor gave me medicine and I finally feel better enough today that I can get off my fat ass and go to the gym. THANK GOD.

I don't know how I let myself get back to my old weight.  I am SO unhappy with how I look and feel and although I've said this so many times before, nows the time that I'm going to fix it.  Here's whats going to get me through this.  I am going to a summer program at school for six weeks so that I can get more credits faster which will hopefully lead me to be able to graduate before four years!  With that being said, it's going to be a boring six weeks.  None of my friends will be going there with me, so there will be no temptation.  All I'll have is my busy school schedule and the gym!  I am literally so excited to go because I know that this is exactly what I need.  I'm leaving in five days but I'm not going to wait to start my weightloss until then.  I plan on going to the gym the rest of the time I'm here and restricting as much as I possibly can.  It'll be much better when I get to school and I don't have my mom on my ass about food and eating.

The other night I posted real quick just to sum up what's been going on with me.  I said I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom that night.  What happened was I was really upset that I had gained weight and she usually is so helpful to me.  Usually she'll just hug me and help me feel less bad and tell me that I'll do what I need to and we'll figure this whole thing out but she was not nice like that AT ALL.  She was like this is a way bigger problem than I thought, we took you to treatment and therapy and stuff and you're still like this and I think you're not gonna be able to go to school and we'll have to send you to a treatment facility.  I got so mad I was like yeah Mom that's exactly what's going to help me, send me away with a bunch of skinny teeny tiny girls that I don't belong being around since I'm fat and I'll feel even worse being around them.  Anyways we kept arguing like all night and it was so annoying but even more upsetting.  I talked to my Dad about it and he was like no it's okay you're still going to school you just need to stay healthy and I said I would but like yeah right I can't look like this anymore so I'm doing the exact opposite.  I feel bad for lying cause I always try to be really honest with myself and everyone else but I gotta do what I gotta do.

So basically here we go again with my out of control tendancies.  Not officially until Sunday will I be out of control but still, I can't wait.  I can't wait to be cold all the time and feel my hip bones and ugh I just CAN'T WAIT!!!!  But with that said I should be back now since I'm not sick andd I'll have more time to talk about my life and struggles and whatnot.  I hope everyone is succeeding on their goals and staying up.  Don't let one hard day or a few hard days get you down because we can all do this!  xo

:X

I'm really sick and getting ready for bed soon but just wanted to tell you about my horrible night.  Got inot a HUGE fight with my mom about my ED.  It was like so out of no where because she is usually so supportive and just hugs me and says it'll be okay but tonight she was like so not nice about it at all.  I'm REALLY upset like so so upset I started thinking about just leaving and never talking to her again.. I'm 19 so I can technically do that.  UGH so frustrated, so upset, so hurt, SO MAD.  Too many feelings right now.  I'll post tomorrow morning with the entire story, just wanted to quickly get this off my chest.  Goodnight girls <3

I want to..

I want to be the pretty girl I used to be
I want to be the small size I strove to be
I want to have the drive I used to be overcome with
I want to be the envy of all my friends
I want to be the girl all the guys talk about
I want to feel successful like I used to
I want to feel beautiful enough to experience the intimacy with guys that I did before
I want to look in the mirror and feel something other than disgust
I want to stop being embarrassed of what I've become
I want to see what other people see in me
I want to be able to find something positive in myself but can't because of how blinded I am by my innumerable flaws
I want to be happy


I want to. But more than I want to, I need to

:(

The title should be pretty self explanatory.  So I haven't posted in almost a week and there's a good reason for that.  Basically I was doing SO awesome that I didn't want to read anyone's slip up stories just incase it lead me to binge or mess up in some other way. Yes that sounds incrediblyyyy selfish and ridiculous but I was just so afraid to go astray and ruin the streak I had been on.  I was going to the gym daily and burning a thousand calories each time.  This made is SO easy to follow my 250cal a day challenge.  Each day I ended up in the negatives which felt awesome. 

I'm posting today because I ruined this streak yesterday and today.  I had this HUGE paper due for school, 20 pages not including title page and my 12 cited sources.  The guidelines on the paper were so strict and I was SO stressed out about finishing it.  I finally got it done yesterday and I was just so over tired and hungry and like emotional ( i guess because i was so thrilled to finally be done with it? ) that I had absolutely no energy to go to the gym.  All I wanted to do was relax and get to bed early which didn't happen unfortunately. 

Yesterday I didn't really binge I just ate more than 250 but I wasn't that upset with myself.  Today however I slept until two because I was so tired and I wokeup starving.  I ate way too much at lunch and skipped dinner because I was so upset after.  I've been snacking on candy and goldfish so my stomach just feels gross which makes me feel fat and disgusting.  In my right mind I can look at this as a slipup that truly truly truly isn't even close to the one's I've had in the past which does make me feel stronger.  However since lunch today I look and the mirror and cry immediately just because I'm so distraught and upset of what I've become.

I don't want to talk to my roommate or friends about it because I'm so ashamed.  I've basically spent my day alone and that's exactly how I wanted to.  I've only been awake for like 7 hours and I cannot WAIT for bed.  Thank GOD it's already almost ten so I can try to get to sleep early and start new tomorrow.  I wish I had better news for everyone and I'm feeling so beside myself not only because I've let myself down but also everyone who tell me that I'm an inspiration to them.  I hope to have a better attitude for everyone tomorrow morning.  Hoping that no one is feeling like me right now :( and that everyone's weeks are going well.  Thinking of all of you.


It'll happen, not only because I've done it before, but because I know I have the strength to do it again<3