It's a beautiful day to feel beautiful

Today should be a ridiculously stressful day for me -- but I'm gonna try my best not to let it be.  I have to write a four page paper on a book that I didn't read, don't own, and isn't on sparknotes.(due tomorrow)  Normally I'd be freaking out right now but honestly, what good will that do for me?  I slept in til about 11 today which felt nice because I haven't slept through the night in a long time!  Anyway I've just been on my facebook and email and stuff to let myself wake up a little before I go to the gym since I was so groggy this morning.  Starting my day with some exercise is going to be just what I need to feel good and try to bang this paper out!

While I'm at the gym I read health magazines like Shape, Self, Women's Health, etc and have been finding all these ideas in each one to help stop yourself before eating something you know you shouldn't or from a binge.  The binge they're talking about is much different from the one's we tend to experience -- but still, the ideas seem pretty effective.  Later on I'm going to post a list of different things to do to prevent from eating, overeating, or binging.  I just wanted to start my day with a post since once I fill you in on my day's plan, I feel more obligated to follow it since I told everyone about it.  I guess this comes from my competitive, determined-to-follow-through nature, which I developed from ED but hey! it does do me some good sometimes.

Anyone who's been following me since I recently started this blog knows how into horoscopes I am.  Depending on how insightful they are, I sometimes share them to spread the motivation I received from reading it.  Here it is:Are you so caught up in your dreams that you are ignoring the magic that is in your reality right now? This is not a time to focus on hopes and wishes. It's a time to take stock of what you have, and cherish it. Send an expression of gratitude out into the universe -- concentrate on how very thankful you are that you've come so far in your life. So what if your material goods fall short of someone else's standards? Don't judge yourself by others' expectations.

Some of this I found totally irrelevant to me like the judging yourself by others' expectations.  I mean, I have my own expectations for myself but if you read one of my older posts "Let me explain" you'd know that these expectations were brought on by someone who I felt like I was never good enough for.  Either way, most girls and even guys in our position can't help but be influenced by the thoughts of others and truly care about other's opinions of us. BUT there were certain points of it that really opened my eyes.  I feel like we're all so caught up in our end goals that we don't celebrate our everyday successes.  I know I've said this before but recognizing our little accomplishments is just what we need some days to keep ourselves from a day of feeling inadequate or like failures.  Every day, even every hour, that we follow our plan is a step closer to our goals and being aware of our progress is just what we need some days to keep going!

If you find my posts obnoxiously positive, I'm sorry haha, but I really feel like on days without positivity I find myself skipping an exercise session or making an excuse to eat or even over eat!  I'll say, " today's just a really bad day and I already ruined it by not excercising so I might as well take today to get my cravings out of my system" WRONG WRONG WRONG. Do not let you talk yourself into this, I've done it WAY too many times.  It derails progress, you end up feeling bloated and tired, and just end up depressing yourself even more.  Trust me -- after recovery I was the master of making up excuses to eat and look where it got me!  Obsessed with restricting and excercising once again. 

I hope you find my posts valuable, although they can be a little too long at times, I try to give out advice based on the things I've learned through my experiences and both my good and bad decisions.  If I can tell you anything it's don't put off your dreams.  Just one day of putting of your goals may lead to another day, then just one more day, and so on.  This is the pattern that's going to make you hurt the most, which isn't all that easy to bounce back from.  That's not to say we don't deserve to treat ourselves every now and again, but there's guidelines we MUST follow when doing so.

                      1. Treat yourself when deserved -- after reaching a goal, on a day you notice progress, etc
                      2. Don't turn a treat into a binge -- yes people, treat is singular, not at all day or 2hour event
                      3. Be aware of portion size and control your intake
                      4. Enjoy each bite you take -- stop before feeling full and don't finish every single bite!

This ended up being much longer than I intended but I guess I had a lot to say!  Thought to remember: You're beautiful now because of your drive and willpower, and at the end of this you'll be even more beautiful when satisfied and confident with your new body.  All my love and support.

Ugh!

I have been doing great for the past week and tonight I royally messed up!  I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and I didn't even try to stop myself, I just let it happen.  I went to the convinient store at my school and got popcorn, goldfish, gummy worms, and peanut butter crackers.  Yep I ate them all.  I then proceeded to have a fiber one bar and 4 more peanut butter crackers.  I just had a small package of fruit snacks and I feel like I'm going to be sick.  I think since I've been doing such an awesome job restricting that my stomach has shrunk and I really can't take a lot of food.

I'm so upset with myself I'm fighting back tears.  I can't let my roommate realize cause I can't explain to her how I'm feeling.  She's been feeling really self conscious lately and I don't want my issue to add to her feelings.  I certainly don't want to give her any ideas about my way of life cause I don't want anyone to have to go through what I go through if they don't have to.  My heart is pounding, I can't even explain how upset I am with myself and how disappointed I am.  I know that I can just pick up where I left off tomorrow but telling myself that isn't making me feel any better.

Today I was looking at pictures from the summer before I came to school for a week and had to take a medical leave of absence.  I LOVED the way I looked.  I was so happy and tan and thin and boney.  All I want to do is be that girl again.  It's the hardest thing on the weekends to try to get dressed and end up frustrated and making up an excuse so that I don't have to go out.  Truly all I want to do is go out and be my old happy self but getting dressed is so hard for me because everything is tighter than it used to be.  Granted the clothes I have here are my ana clothes but STILL.  Those are the clothes I want to wear and fit into.  I will wear those clothes sooner than later and I can't let tonight derail all the progress I've been making.

I hope everyone had a more successful day than I did and I hope my post doesn't depress you.  I just needed to express my feelings cause I honestly can't even deal with myself right now I'm so disgusted by myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'll continue to repeat that to myself until I believe it.  The road to thin is never easy, but in times of struggle we can't pull over.  When faced with a tough situation we must stop ourselves before we act.  All my support <3 xo

Horoscopes. . .

So my bad day yesterday turned into a bad night unfortunately.  I ended up eating a bunch of snacks -- low cal snacks, but extra food nonetheless.  I definitely didn't over eat I just ate more than I was trying to for the day.  I made up some excuse, which was very believable if I do say so myself, to my friends so that they'd not bug me about coming out cause my excuse made it impossible for me to.  I was in bed around 1am and didn't fall asleep until around SIX IN THE MORNING give or take.  I wokeup around tenish so I only got like four hours.  While I was lying awake last night I was thinking about how carefree and confident my friends are -- two of which are bigger than me, but still have the confidence to go to parties and get guys.

I thought about my exboyfriend and how I've been holding onto all the upset I feel towards him.. he's holding me back.  This entire thing is holding me back.  I feel that if I'm not tiny tiny tiny that no one will like me.  My right mind knows that that isn't the case and I guess that's something I was helped to learn through therapy in my last recovery.  I agreed to recovery because my mind was out of control.  I wasn't my normal funny, happy, crazy self and I didn't even remember what it was like to be optimistic or enthusiastic.  Although I regained those qualities through nourishing myself I still find myself unhappy at the end of most days.

I still sit here thinking that if i'm not thinner than no one will want anything to do with me.  After every weekend as my friends are exchanging hookup stories I just kind of sit there thinking that no one pursued me because of how I look.  But then I stop myself and realize that there's so many things wrong with that theory.. For one my friends that get guys aren't even super super thin at all, two they're the ones who are crazy flirts and pursue people, three I don't even attempt to pursue guys because I'm so distraught about my body and lack the confidence I used to have when I could get -- not to sound cocky -- but almost any guy I wanted.

There needs to be a balance here.  I need to be happy and continue my journey to thin but not let it ruin my experiences and relationships with other people.  I so badly need this to turn around because without confidence I'm not going to thrive.  What are you supposed to do when you look in the mirror and are disgusted with the reflection looking back at you? What are you supposed to do when you make up excuses to not go out just because you don't want to go through the devastation of trying on outfits and hating everything you put on?  I sit in my room and want to be like my friends, like my old self -- the girl who couldn't wait to go out and show off an outfit and pick up a guy in an instant.  I NEED to be that girl again -- my happiness depends on it.

With all that being said -- I'm a huge believer in horoscopes.  I mean sometimes they're so off it's ridiculous but sometimes they couldn't be more right.  Sometimes I wait until halfway through my day to read it to see if it's going the way predicted in my horoscope, and sometimes I read it right in the morning and hope for something optimistic that might give me a push.  Today I decided to read it this moring and I'm glad I did.  It said:

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

The concerns and responsibilities in your life have been surprisingly enjoyable lately. The affection you feel for the people involved is buoying you, lifting you along without much effort on your part. This represents a real turning point in your life ... you're entering a time when you can handle anything. You understand that trivial concerns deserve less attention than you've been giving them. Don't let a thorn in your side cripple you. Just pull it out and go on!

In reading this, I'm going to continue my journey to thin, and try to be happy with myself throughout the whole way.  We're always looking to the future, the end point.  We sell ourselves short when we don't celebrate our daily successes which ends up making us more unhappy with ourselves and more likely to binge.  Each day in our journies we need to acknowledge outloud or in our minds atleast one thing we succeeded in.  The more things we are able to acknowledge, the better we'll feel.. and maybe we'll try harder to complete our daily goals just to be able to feel that incredible feeling.

Sorry that this is so long and potentially boring -- hopefully some of you may find it helpful, I just had to try to find some optimism within myself.  Goodluck on your goals today, you're all in my thoughts as I want to stop or slow down the treadmill.  It's when I think of you that I keep pushing myself harder.  I know   -- well hope-- we're all in this together and I don't want to let you guys down.  Be successful, optimistic, and happy along the way!  Don't let one slipup throw off your day.. walk away from the situation and talk yourself through a binge or a negative feeling.  Let's prove it to ourselves how strong we truly are.

what happened to so far, so good?

I've been working out like a maniac -- twice a day for the most part and doing really well restricting.  Today I feel really shitty because I'm actually sick so i allowed myself to eat low calorie snacks so I'll have the energy I need to workout tomorrow with no excuses.  I haven't been sleeping well lately even though I'm running myself to exhaustion.. I think it's cause I'm so stressed and hard on myself about losing this weight.  I haven't weighed myself yet but it's definitely paying off.  I can tell that my stomach is smaller and my legs seem more toned.  I should be saying the usual "YAY ME" but for some reason I'm feeling really down today.  I have alot to feel accomplished about but for some reason I just feel bummed out : (.  Please post thoughts and comments to get my morale going again, I really need it to get my usual optimistic self back..


... help : ( </3

It's taken over..

Like it isn't bad that my entire day is revolved around my workouts and how to avoid my friends when they want to go to the dining hall for food, I'm now DREAMING about it.  Last night every dream I had was about not eating, over exercising, or getting into arguments with people who I feel look down on me because of my weight and just don't say anything about it.  For example all vacation while I was home my mom kept telling me I looked good and healthy and to me all that meant was fat and ugly.  Right now I'm in a fight with one of my bestfriends because I felt like she was kind of taking the fact that I am always there for her whenever she needs something for granted.  Everytime we talk it's about her and it's brief, which upset me but isn't something that would usually bother me since I know that she's busy with playing a college sport.  Last night in my dream I was arguing with her -- not about the same problem i just described, but because of my weight.  I wonder if I'm taking my unhappiness with my appearance out on her?  Was I subconciously trying to tell myself something? Ahhh I don't understand dreams and don't think I ever will.

Last night I was looking at this girl's pictures from a trip that she went to a tropical island.  I used to be WAY smaller than her and she lost weight over the course of the year and looks literally AWESOME.  It was so annoying I got so jealous and mad at myself that I don't look better than her anymore.  When I wokeup the first thing I thought of was getting back to my old body.  I got out of bed and read my horoscope:

As soon as you wake up, you will feel a sense of nostalgia in the air that will only grow as the day continues. It's not like you are lost in you own past, it's more like you are caught up in the manners and traditions of a past era. Try to integrate some of these things into your life today and see how other people respond. Music, fashion and even slang from another time and place could add just the touch of creativity you are in need of right now.

Even the stars want me back to skinny!  If not for myself or you guys -- I have to do it for them.. and my sanity!  Have a great day everyone, stay inspired and walk away from tempting situations! Love.

AWESOME DAY

My day has been incredible so far!  I went to the gym this morning just like I said I would and stayed for a few hours.  I ended up burning around 1,400 calories!  After that I drove back to school with my parents -- they asked me if I was hungry or wanted to stop for lunch like ten thousand times but I denied each time.  Usually I get mad when they ask me so that's how they know or can assume that I'm restricting that day but this time I took a different approach.  Each time they asked me a replied lively and happy with a "No thanks, I'm good to go!" or "Nope I got my gatorade here and that's doing me just fine!"  I think since I was so easy gonig and happy about it, they didn't suspect anything.

When I got to school they helped me bring my things in and I sort of rushed them out sneakily so that they didn't ask me to grab a bite to eat again.  They left and I unpacked then hungout with some friends.  When my friends went to dinner I said I had to finish unpacking-- which was true-- but I had purposely not finished so that I'd have an excuse to get out of going with them.  As I unpacked I had a granola bar that was 140 calories.  After that I went to the gym again and burned about 840 calories.  I'm going to try not to eat anything else today and just keep up with the water to make myself feel full.  If I do this all week I might get back to feeling not so disgusted with myself. 

I hope everyone else's days went fairly smoothly, if not, the day isn't lost!  Pick up where you left off and keep up your good work.  I know this isn't easy, but we all know how well it pays off in the end.

<3

TODAY. not tomorrow, not the next day

Today I am officially starting --and following-- my diet.  I go back to school today so I have no excuse of having to eat with my family or just eating one last time with them so they don't suspect anything.  Today starts my journey back to Ana and I am ssoo excited.  I remember how great I felt when I was thin and cannot wait to be there again.  I already know that I don't want to go out this weekend cause I don't want the calories from the alcohol to hurt my start. If I am good all this week and next week I'll let myself go out then.  But anyways my roommate and friends don't know that I have a problem, so I have to come up with a lie for a reason that I won't go out all weekend.  I was going to say I'm sick or something but I don't know what to say since I'll still be going to the gym atleast once a day, hopefully twice.  Even if I say I'm sick they're gonna bug me about coming out but I've already told myself that I can't so it's not even an option.  Anyways I'm going to the gym now then leaving for school.  I'll go to the gym again later tonight too!  I hope everyone is starting off their day right and I'll be back to post when I get hungry or the urge to binge probably.  Keep me in your thoughts, i'll need it!


xoxox