I'm reached an all time low

All I want to be is thin.  I've been at school with none of my friends or anything cause it's a quick summer program for me to catch up the credits I missed when I was forced to leave in the fall to "recover." Bullshit.. Anyways! While I'm at school I have SO much control I hardly eat at all and I force myself to the gym atleast once a day.  This should be good right?  Well I've been coming home every weekend for one reason or another and basically ruining everything I did during the week.  Sigh. Every weekend that I come home I tell myself don't eat and stuff but I do anyways.  This weekend I feel like I've reached an all time low.  Literally I am so upset and distraught I've been thinking about quitting school and living at home for awhile.  I know that deep down this is the last thing I want to do because I want to be successful and enjoy my time in school now, while I'm young and enjoy partying and meeting now people but I'm so depressed that I've been thinking about giving up all together.  This isn't like me at all.  If you truly truly knew me you'd know how driven I am and how I do anything to get what I want.  So what's my problem now?  I conquered my weight last summer why can't I now? 

I think the problem is that I'm literally depressed.  I hate to admit it because I absolutely HATE that word.  I have medicine for it though and I haven't been taking it.  When I think about working out it's the last thing I want to do just because I'm so upset with myself I don't even want to move.  I stopped taking my medicine because I thought it got in the way of what I wanted.  I took it again for the first time this morning because I think that I want this so badly that nothing can get in the way of it, I taking it will just take my edge off and get me to be happy and enjoy working out like I used to.  What do you girls think?  I love you all, sorry I've been MIA I'm just in a really bad place right now.  Hope everyone's well! xo xo

hidden messages everywhere

When you put your passion into something there is no limit to your success, and that will be true especially when you're given the chance to take control. Grab the steering wheel and put the pedal to the metal. If you think about it long enough, you'll realize that you know exactly where you need to be right now -- so get there quickly. Put everything you are into this journey, and don't make any compromises. Nothing you do can be done only halfway now.       



my horoscope for today. I HAVE TO BE THIN, i have to be.

Ashamed but proud at the same time

Short and sweet. Ive done amazing all week. Gym everyday having a net of atleast -500 cals everyday.. Yes that's a negative sign! Until today I was tired and run down after a five am gym session followed by 8 hours of back to back classes. I binged. I didn't even want to do it I don't know why I let myself. I walked to the dining hall to get a sandwich and then go to the conviniencs store beside it an get goldfish and m&ms. I got there and did neither and left. On my walk back I passed another convenience store and caved. I binges on pretzel m&ms which are deadly, DONT TRY THEM, a kitkat, a small pack of sour worms, answering and goldfish except I threw away the goldfish once I caught ahold of myself. I layed in bed still tired and even more ashamed of myself that I didn't stop earlier. After awhile I was watching tv and saw Lauren Conrad on the hills eating something that resembled a shake. MCDONALDS popped in my head. I love their shakes! I fought the feeling for awhile until I couldn't get over it. I got up and walked to mcdonalds. I got there, looked at it from across the street and kept walking. I was so close to giving in and ruining my hard work even more but I didn't it! On my walk home i passed Wendy's, burger king, walmart, rite aid, shaws, and dunkin donuts. I'm lying in my bed trying not to cry. I'm realizing that my old passion is back. I hate feeling full from what I binged on. After a week of feeling empty addicted to it again. I'm excited about this but upset about the hopeless feelings that come along with this desire. Will I ever get there again? I won't stop until I do <3

Competition is what's gonna get me somewhere

I'm going to try to post in a few hours but I wanted to tell you girls about a new plan my roommate from college and I are doing.  She gained alot of weight over the semester and would always complain about it and I'd just be like you're fine just eat healthier because I didn't know what else to say -- she was right she was starting to get noticeably bigger.  I as well gained weight probably because she always wanted to eat and since I was new I wanted to get to know her and her friends so we could all be close.  I know I shouldn't be blaming her because it's my fault that I let my eating get out of hand but I feel like she played a small part in it. 

ANYWAYS, we were talking the other day about how awful we both feel and how we want to lose weight.  So I came up with this idea.  I'm weighing myself in this morning and seeing how much weight I can lose by Friday.  We're doing a weigh-in every Friday to see who has lost more weight.  I don't think of myself as that competitive of a person but when it comes to weightloss I can get SO COMPETITIVE.  I hate when people get skinnier than me so I feel like this is going to be my drive.  I want to be the littlest!  I want to be the smaller cuter person in our room in the fall and I will be!  Here we go.. Off to the gym to start this.  I'll let you know how much I weighed in at and keep you updated for Friday!!

Thinking of everyone.  Hope you're feeling as hopeful as I am on this gloomy day <3

I'm going..

So I'm on new medicine and I'm already starting to feel better!!! YAY.  Extremely hopeful that I'll get to the gym tomorrow and be back on my way to beautiful.  I need this really badly, just as I know that you all feel the same way.  This effects my life so  much it's incredible.  I'm so pissed of with people I know because I'm embarrassed and I feel like they're embarrassed of me.  My sister and i went from being the best of friends to only talking here and there because of how I've been acting.  But I won't let her down.  I'm going to change how I look again and it'll fix our relationship, I know it will.

Last night I had this dream.. it's really weird so don't judge me haha.  I was in this huge gorgeous church and I went to a private school all my life so it kind of makes sense.  Anyways it was a really long dream and I don't remember all of it but basically I hookedup with three of my exboyfriends in the loft of the church and I was like so happy about it? haha.  Yeah weird I know but then I read my horoscope today and this is what it said:
The insight you've been taking from your dreams lately will serve you well today. Follow your gut and do what you think you need to. Certain images are recurring in your life, and the same issues are popping up again and again. Your subconscious is keying you in on what you need to deal with first. It's now time for you to deal with things once and for all. Getting to the heart of the matter as quickly as you can today will save you a lot of headaches later in the week.       

Basically what I took from this is that I lost my sense of loving and being happy.  I lost this when I lost what I had worked so hard to earn and that was thin.  I know that once I'm thin again and feel beautiful I'll want to have relationships and put myself out there but right now I'm just too ashamed of my appearance.  I need everyone's thoughts right now and I hope you all believe in me.  I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.  I'm going to be happy again.

why me?

I haven't been posting because I haven't been getting any positive feedback of my recent posts that I've done here and there and because I really don't have anything good to say.  I think the last two times I've posted it was explaining how sick I have been and how I should be getting better soon so I could get back to the gym.  Well that still hasn't happened.  Honestly I haven't been to the gym in a good 3 weeks.  I am STILL sick, yes still.  Not just like oh I don't feel very well sick like sinus infection sick.  They gave me medicine to take it away but of course that medicine made me feel dizzy, light-headed, and nauseous. COOL.  Yeah I was supposed to take that four 14 days but I stopped when I got to school on Sunday because it's only making me feel worse. 

Sunday night into Monday morning I wokeup with a fever and my entire body hurt.  I had a fever all day Monday and hardly left my bed.  I got ahead of the fever by taking tylenol and nyquil.  I was feeling a bit better yesterday but my throat is still killing me!  Today's Wednesday and it still hurts so I'm going to go to the health center to get tested for strep.  I noticed this morning while brushing my teeth that my eyes are a little red again -- if that damn sinus infection is back i dont know what I'll do with myself. UGH

No one has to agree with me on this one but I am a HUGE believer in the saying "Everything happens for a reason."  It's proven itself to be true SO many times in my life that I'd be insane not to believe it.  Right now, however, I'm having a really hard time understanding why God is trying to come between me and my happiness -- my happiness being losing weight.  I need this so badly I can't even deal with it anymore.  I am so ashamed of how big I am now.  If I could move away where I knew nobody and not come back until I was thin again I would do it in an instant.  I don't care how lonely or sad I'd be I am just way too embarrassed of what I've become and although my friends tell me I look healthy and good again I don't care.  I know the truth and it's that I look fat and disgusting. 

I'm not looking for anyone to disagree with me because this is something I KNOW.  I know my legs rub together, I know my arms are falbby, I know my colar bone is barely visible, I know my ass is huge again, I know I have dimples on my butt, I know my stomach hangs out -- not that I wear anything tight enough for it to be seen -- but you get the picture.  I've fixed all of these things before and I was literally perfect.  I need to be back there but I can't do it when I'm so damn sick.  Upset doesn't even describe how I'm feeling.  I don't know what to do right now. Ugh Help. :'(

help please

This needs to be short and sweet.  I haven't been around because I'm not getting the same support and encouragement that I used to get from blogging so I guess I might as well do it on my own.  I'm hoping someone can help me with the one question I have.  I'm looking for an online site that tells me what my daily calorie intake needs to be to reach my goal weight in the number of weeks I want to reach it.  I forget the exact name for it that's what I'm having a hard time finding it.. something like a weightloss calorie calculator maybe?  Most of the one's I've found in the past are the healthy ones that don't let you exceed more than 2 lbs of weightloss per week but I need more than that.  If anyone knows of one please comment, I need your help badly!!!!!!

Believe me this time.

Alright so I once again have to apologize for being M.I.A which includes posting of my own and commenting on everyone else's posts!  I love trying to pick you girls up when you're having a tough day or being encouraging when you've had a good one so I'm really really sorry that I haven't been around.  I just finished my freshmen year at college and the last two weeks I had so much work to do!  I've also been really sick for awhile and didn't findout until I came home that I had a really bad sinus infection :/ Anyways my doctor gave me medicine and I finally feel better enough today that I can get off my fat ass and go to the gym. THANK GOD.

I don't know how I let myself get back to my old weight.  I am SO unhappy with how I look and feel and although I've said this so many times before, nows the time that I'm going to fix it.  Here's whats going to get me through this.  I am going to a summer program at school for six weeks so that I can get more credits faster which will hopefully lead me to be able to graduate before four years!  With that being said, it's going to be a boring six weeks.  None of my friends will be going there with me, so there will be no temptation.  All I'll have is my busy school schedule and the gym!  I am literally so excited to go because I know that this is exactly what I need.  I'm leaving in five days but I'm not going to wait to start my weightloss until then.  I plan on going to the gym the rest of the time I'm here and restricting as much as I possibly can.  It'll be much better when I get to school and I don't have my mom on my ass about food and eating.

The other night I posted real quick just to sum up what's been going on with me.  I said I had gotten into a huge fight with my mom that night.  What happened was I was really upset that I had gained weight and she usually is so helpful to me.  Usually she'll just hug me and help me feel less bad and tell me that I'll do what I need to and we'll figure this whole thing out but she was not nice like that AT ALL.  She was like this is a way bigger problem than I thought, we took you to treatment and therapy and stuff and you're still like this and I think you're not gonna be able to go to school and we'll have to send you to a treatment facility.  I got so mad I was like yeah Mom that's exactly what's going to help me, send me away with a bunch of skinny teeny tiny girls that I don't belong being around since I'm fat and I'll feel even worse being around them.  Anyways we kept arguing like all night and it was so annoying but even more upsetting.  I talked to my Dad about it and he was like no it's okay you're still going to school you just need to stay healthy and I said I would but like yeah right I can't look like this anymore so I'm doing the exact opposite.  I feel bad for lying cause I always try to be really honest with myself and everyone else but I gotta do what I gotta do.

So basically here we go again with my out of control tendancies.  Not officially until Sunday will I be out of control but still, I can't wait.  I can't wait to be cold all the time and feel my hip bones and ugh I just CAN'T WAIT!!!!  But with that said I should be back now since I'm not sick andd I'll have more time to talk about my life and struggles and whatnot.  I hope everyone is succeeding on their goals and staying up.  Don't let one hard day or a few hard days get you down because we can all do this!  xo

:X

I'm really sick and getting ready for bed soon but just wanted to tell you about my horrible night.  Got inot a HUGE fight with my mom about my ED.  It was like so out of no where because she is usually so supportive and just hugs me and says it'll be okay but tonight she was like so not nice about it at all.  I'm REALLY upset like so so upset I started thinking about just leaving and never talking to her again.. I'm 19 so I can technically do that.  UGH so frustrated, so upset, so hurt, SO MAD.  Too many feelings right now.  I'll post tomorrow morning with the entire story, just wanted to quickly get this off my chest.  Goodnight girls <3

I want to..

I want to be the pretty girl I used to be
I want to be the small size I strove to be
I want to have the drive I used to be overcome with
I want to be the envy of all my friends
I want to be the girl all the guys talk about
I want to feel successful like I used to
I want to feel beautiful enough to experience the intimacy with guys that I did before
I want to look in the mirror and feel something other than disgust
I want to stop being embarrassed of what I've become
I want to see what other people see in me
I want to be able to find something positive in myself but can't because of how blinded I am by my innumerable flaws
I want to be happy


I want to. But more than I want to, I need to

:(

The title should be pretty self explanatory.  So I haven't posted in almost a week and there's a good reason for that.  Basically I was doing SO awesome that I didn't want to read anyone's slip up stories just incase it lead me to binge or mess up in some other way. Yes that sounds incrediblyyyy selfish and ridiculous but I was just so afraid to go astray and ruin the streak I had been on.  I was going to the gym daily and burning a thousand calories each time.  This made is SO easy to follow my 250cal a day challenge.  Each day I ended up in the negatives which felt awesome. 

I'm posting today because I ruined this streak yesterday and today.  I had this HUGE paper due for school, 20 pages not including title page and my 12 cited sources.  The guidelines on the paper were so strict and I was SO stressed out about finishing it.  I finally got it done yesterday and I was just so over tired and hungry and like emotional ( i guess because i was so thrilled to finally be done with it? ) that I had absolutely no energy to go to the gym.  All I wanted to do was relax and get to bed early which didn't happen unfortunately. 

Yesterday I didn't really binge I just ate more than 250 but I wasn't that upset with myself.  Today however I slept until two because I was so tired and I wokeup starving.  I ate way too much at lunch and skipped dinner because I was so upset after.  I've been snacking on candy and goldfish so my stomach just feels gross which makes me feel fat and disgusting.  In my right mind I can look at this as a slipup that truly truly truly isn't even close to the one's I've had in the past which does make me feel stronger.  However since lunch today I look and the mirror and cry immediately just because I'm so distraught and upset of what I've become.

I don't want to talk to my roommate or friends about it because I'm so ashamed.  I've basically spent my day alone and that's exactly how I wanted to.  I've only been awake for like 7 hours and I cannot WAIT for bed.  Thank GOD it's already almost ten so I can try to get to sleep early and start new tomorrow.  I wish I had better news for everyone and I'm feeling so beside myself not only because I've let myself down but also everyone who tell me that I'm an inspiration to them.  I hope to have a better attitude for everyone tomorrow morning.  Hoping that no one is feeling like me right now :( and that everyone's weeks are going well.  Thinking of all of you.


It'll happen, not only because I've done it before, but because I know I have the strength to do it again<3

Where have I been?!

So it's been almost a week since I last posted, I've been kind of M.I.A lately.  My apologies if you've missed me!  My sister came up to visit me at college and talked me into going home for Easter :/ I really didn't want to because I know I always end up binging while home cause all of my friends want to catch up over lunch or ice cream and I get upset with myself and there you go, I end up binging.  While I was home I did overeat but not as much as I have in the past which I was kind of glad about.  I had a couple of breakdowns to my mom and sister but they did feel good.  They sort of put into perspective how unhappy I really am with how I look.

When I'm unhappy with what I look like I don't even want to wake up.  I lay in bed dreading having to get dressed and deal with being hungry and ignoring or giving into the hunger.  I don't want to get up and end up finding a way to skip out on the gym.  The reality of all this is that yes, I really am unhappy, but honestly what is hiding out in my room going to do for me?  Until I push myself this is what I'm going to look like so here I go.  I posted sticky notes on my wall with the day and date on each one until I leave college for the summer.  Only 10 DAYS. YIKES. But basically the point of this is to make myself go to the gym EVERYDAY.  I can't rip off the sticky note until I go to the gym.  If I don't go it stays there and reminds me that I was a slacker and let myself skip. 

Hopefully this will motivate me cause I need some motivation to get myself moving again.  I said I was going to do the 10 days 250 calorie challenge but that ended when I gave in to going home for the weekend :/ today restarts my challenge.  I have ten days left of college and I will finish the challenge successfully so I can already have a head start to before I get home.  If I complete this there's noway I'll want to binge when I go home, and honestly I haven't even had the urge to binge lately at all. I'm sick of food in general and tired of how much I've ate.  And let me correct myself, **when I complete the challenge**.  I'm in a great mood today so I'm off to the gym to make it even better!  Thinking of you girls an extra lot today! xo



Thin is E V E R Y T H I N G. It truly is.

The Next Ten Days..

So I got this idea from a posting Zane had.  For ten days she is going to have a net of 250 calories per day to get some serious weightloss.  This is EXACTLY what I need to kick of the loss of some serious pounds and get me back on track.  I am so excited about this challenge and have no doubt in myself that I will complete it.  Lottie and I agreed to jump in on the challenge with Zane and I encourage anyone else who is serious about it to do the same.  This is just what I need right now and I am SO SO SO determined.  Today is the beginning of this challenge for me and I am very intent on completing it.  My confidence and self motivation NEEDS it. 

I don't think I have anything else to say right now minus the fact that I've been giving into all of my cravings due to the fact that I'm stressed out with school and a couple other decisions I've had to make lately.  These are both no excuses and that's where those habits end.  Right now, today, here.  I've said it before yes I know, no one will believe me until I believe myself.  Here we go, it's now or never so I'm telling myself let's do this and get your happiness back. 

I'll post later probably.  Just wanted to publicize this new venture I'm starting today.  XO skinnyminilove

Needing some serious help

Okay this needs to be short and sweet since I have to leave for class in 15 minutes.  I feel like I have figured out my struggle with sticking to the things I've ben setting myself to do.  Before I went through recovery I rarely to never had cravings and urges to binge or overeat -- yeah I know hard to believe.  Even when I was around my friends who'd be indulging in icecream, candy, McDonald's, or any other shitty foods that I have weaknesses to I would stand my ground without the least bit of hesitation.  Damn I miss that girl. Anyways before me eating disorder was an eating disorder, I used to go to the gym for fun and relaxation.  After the gym I simply truly wasn't hungry for the junk I used to love.  When given the chance to eat those weaknesses of mine I'd usually be uninterested and refrain from eating them. 

When my eating disorder came about, I had been resisting these foods for some time upon my own will.  It was so easy to develope an eating disorder because I had been without these foods for so long that I no longer missed them.  Basically what I feel like I've realized is that my plans and goals are so extreme that I'm wanting these foods so badly because I'm telling myself I can't have them not because I truly want them or am hungry.  I need to get myself back into this because I'm literally disgusted with what I look like.  Upon this realization the only sensible thing to do would be to try to avoid these foods but give myself a treat every now and again and make sure I let myself know that I'm going to treat myself. 

The problem with that theory is that I feel like I don't deserve to treat myself.  I'm gross, thick, fat, bloated, ugly, fat, FAT, FAT FAT.  UGH.  Stuck between a rock and a hard place right now people.  Please comment with any ideas or thinspiration you have for me.  xo Love.

well i suck..

Alright I have like no time because I have to go to the gym then get ready for a huge concert at my school tonight so I can't really take the time out to be insightful.  Basically the first day of my no binge four day streak went AWESOME.  I burned 1,700 calories in two gym sessions and only ate 390!! Yesterday of course went awry and I didn't necessarily binge, but I hate a whole bunch of crap I shouldn't have.  Yeah so I forget who commented on my post and called that my streak sounded like it may end up in a huge binge.. you were right :/  Tomorrow I'm starting over and trying this again.  It's a new day and I know that I'm capable of this.  My horoscope says something like keep on going and you're things are getting better so let's hope so!

Last night laying in bed I made a list of everything I don't like about myself in my phone-- every single body part that bothers me and why.  It's in my phone so that I can look at it EVERYTIME i have the urge to go astray.  I NEED THIS MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. I've said this so many times and have believed myself that I almost feel like a liar and fake for claiming to conquer this since I have yet to do so.  I read in a magazine that when you eat sugary, fatty, salty foods that your body continues to crave them for usually the 4 days following because of something it changes in your blood level or something.  All I have to do is get by these four days and it'll get easier and easier from there.

I can only imagine how many of you are rolling your eyes are you read this and lose more and more faith in my everytime I post.  I'm strong and I have willpower and wise words but have yet to follow through with what I've set out to do.  I'm here at this place again to be happy again, and thinness is where my happiness is derrived from.  I'm embarrassed that I am this size and claim to be affected by ED and Ana because by looking at me, there's no proof at all.  Bare with me through this tough time.  The things that I'm dealing with and the things going through my head are all over the place but all have the same result -- upset.  Don't lose faith in me, for I have yet to lose faith in myself.


Whether I know my followers or not, I feel a strong bond with each and every one of your struggles.  I read each and every one of your posts from top to bottom and give construction critisism whenever I can.  I more than appreciate those of you who do the same for me.  I pray that everyone's days and last nights and tomorrow's go and will go as hoped or planned.  My heart is with you all.  I'm a little sensative today so sorry if this sounds forced or insincere, but it truly is how I feel.  Believe in me so I can believe in myself.  Today IS the day and I'm going to prove it to you. Thin thoughts always.

I can't lie to the people who keep me going

HERE WE GO AGAIN. Yesterday I posted about my previous day's binge.  My day started out pretty decent, I slept in and restricted until I went to the dining commons with my friends.  Two pieces of toast and peanut butter then pasta and sauce :/ As if that wasn't bad enough I came back to my room and skyped my sister and cried for like a good hour.  Not even cried, I sobbed.  I'm so unhappy with myself right now.  Later that night I ended up eating a ton of candy and popcorn. UGH. 

I wokeup this morning overtired, slept through my alarm, and EXTREMELY PUFFY.  My eyes are so puffy from crying for so long probably but I know my binge didn't do me any good.  I wokeup and could feel my huge stomach without even having to touch it -- I knew touching it might result in a break down so I stopped myself.  I can feel my thighs rub together when I walk -- I KNOW.. disgusting. 

When am I going to gain control of this vicious circle? I binge and then restrict and workout like crazy then skip the gym then binge then starve then binge again.  When will I be in control of myself again?  When am I going to stop letting some ridiculous voice in my head decide what I do without having any say in it?  I've said this many times before and I don't blame you if you don't believe me but TODAY is where it has to be put to an end.  I can't wait any longer or "try to see if I can stop myself" NO. I will stop myself. 

Today is a new day.  Today will be a new beginning.  NO more bingeing, no more giving in to that voice that I know I can ignore.  I'm going to set a mini goal for myself to get it going and try to continue it.  Today is the start to my four day NO BINGE cycle.  We all set up fasts and cleanses and what not for ourselves to follow for a certain amount of time, so why not do it with binges?  I encourage all of you ladies, and gentlemen if any?, so try this.  We have such strong willpower when it comes to pushing ourselves to meet our short term goals.  Here goes nothing. What do I have to lose right?


I will be skinny, whether anyone believes me or not. xo

Embarrassed but honest

Yeah I did it -- I binged yesterday after an AMAZING beginning to getting back on track.  I wish I could tell you why I did it, but I really have no idea.  To make matters worse I also skipped the gym, and did very little walking or activity yesterday.  After I ate all that food I didn't really feel anything but later on I had the WORST stomach ache, I felt like I might have to throwup.  Usually if I ever feel like I'm going to be sick I try to distract myself or get myself to forget about it because I HATE to throwup.  Last night was so different. I was leaning against my bed trying to wait for the pain to pass and I could feel the water I had just drank in my throat.  For a second I thought to myself -- I should really just go get sick like I know I'd hardly have to try because I was so full and truly felt sick. WOAH WOAH WOAH. Luckily I let that thought pass and started feeling less sick within the hour.

That is one of my biggest fears!  I have never let myself get sick like ever in my entire life.  Sure, I've gotten sick here and there but only when I was legitimately sick or for the few instances I was incredibly drunk.  I've never eaten too much, making myself get sick or purged.  I know that if I start those habits I'll get so out of control that I'll never get well.  With my exercise obsession now, I am already very fearful that this sickness is here to stay in my life and I may never be better. UGH.   I try not to think that way but how can I help but let that cross my mind sometimes. 

I'm so embarrassed about last night and really feel like I've let you girls down.  I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about what I did and how it definitely derailed my progress at this point. I'm really upset and bummed out today and I know I'm going to have to push myself to get out of this funk.  I've done it before so I know that I can do it again, I just wish I had some pleasant thoughts or motivation today.  I wokeup this morning think it was like 11 and it was really 2:25 in the afternoon!!!! It's an hour later now so I'm awake enough to get moving to the gym.  Thank God I have no class today.  I'll use the gym to make myself tired to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight hopefully.  I have a ton more to say to you girls but I'm just too upset with myself right now about what I did.  Telling you was the last thing I wanted to do but I know that we're all in this together and everyone has days like these.  Let's not let them get the best of us <3 Let's be skinny again <3

Be your own motivator.

We all have times where we just can't get up and moving for whatever reason.  It may be family, a guy, a fight with a friend or even worse, being upset with ourselves for how we look, our inability to reach a goal we were determined to make, a binge, or many other reasons.  If anyone knows about this, it's me.  I spent the last week or two yo-yoing back and forth between fasting, binging, crying, overeating, restricting, compulsivley exercising, skipping the gym for days, etcetcetc.  I was absolutely convinced this was going to continue to repeat itself without me having any control over it.. WRONG.

It's escpecially times like these that it is imperative you regain selfcontrol and get yourself back into the swing of things.  Yesterday I told myself I was going to the gym, and not leaving until I was in a better mood, and I did just that. Did it take about 3 hours maybe a little longer? yes, but i didn't leave and I didn't let my annoyed emotions get the best of me and today I feel great! I'm a little sore -- which I love to be, call me a weirdo but it reminds me that I'm going in the direction.

I woke up this morning sort of annoyed.  I had a horrible sleep, my drunk roommate was coughing ALL NIGHT LONG and like really loud and hard.  I was so worried everytime she coughed that it was going to make her throw up cause she was so drunk.  I have this awful but I guess sensative tendency to be sort of motherly to friends that I really care about.  I guess it is a good quality but it can be a full time job since I usually make other people's problems my own.  Anywayyyy! Yeah I wokeup like every two hours ish which just sucked cause I wanted to get a really good rest and wake up earlier today than usual.  Neither of these things happened which pissed me off a little thing morning but I took a deep breath and just smiled.  I smiled about nothing but me smiling instantly made me notice the good things about the day.  The window was open, which I usually leave open cause I like to be cold when I sleep, but it's warm out!  The air smelled like Florida which instantly made me happy.  I pulled back the blinds and saw how sunny it was , which brought another instant sense of happiness.

Being truly happy now, despite the annoying night I had, I jumped out of bed and went to go wash up and get my day started.  Washing up (brushing my teeth, and washing my hands and face) is the first thing I do when I wakeup every single morning.  It jump starts my day and makes me feel clean and awake.  Then I came on the computer to check my email, and blog -- reading your posts and commenting in hopes to help each of you find a positive aspect of your day even if you feel like it was a huge failure always makes me feel better.  I've spent a little more time on here than I wanted to but oh well! Thinspiration takes time and thought doesn't it!

This is getting long and I'm sure no one is going to seriously read this entire post, but that's okay.  To those of you who do, I genuinely appreciate it and I hope you find clarity, motivation, or atleast some kind of positive feeling from reading these.  I know that your posts and comments truly help me on days that I feel down and out and I can only hope that I do the same for you.  After all my rambling I guess I'll get to the main purpose of this post.  The title is self explanatory.  BE YOUR OWN MOTIVATOR.  Of course we have eachother's comments and posts to get us feeling good again, but you can't go through life depending on other people.  You need to prove to yourself that it is in your power to turn a bad day/rough night/difficult morning around.  You can do this, I can do this, We can do this. We WILL do this.


xo skinny.thin.happy.beautiful.

Here we gggo!

In my post earlier today I said I was going to the gym and trying to turn my mood around.. well guess what. IT WORKED!! I stayed there for like 3 and a half hours maybe.. I was tired in the very beginning so I got so annoyed and wasn't sure how long I was going to make it but as I kept going, my energy increased.  I came back and showered then walked to a store to get a new belly button ring because mine fell out at the gym :/ But whatever that was even more exercise so yay me!  I still haven't eaten yet today.. I decide that whenever I tell myself I won't eat for the day I find myself wanting to even more.  I think from now on I'll just kind of see how the day is going and just decide based on whether or not I can ignore my hunger or not.

Yeah it's great that I'm feeling somewhat better, but I need to make this last.  I'm going to try to get some school work done tonight so I won't feel as annoyed and stressed since I keep putting it off.  Hopefully I'm going to wakeup tomorrow with a good attitude -- if I don't, I'll fake it.  It's been proven that making yourself smile, laugh, etc can increase your mood.  Try it out my skinnies!  Hope everyone is well. xoxoxo



I don't care what anyone says.. thin IS everything.

It must be done

Alright my skinnies, like I said in my last post you may or may not have noticed that I haven't been being my usual self -- posting long, inspirational posts to get everyone up and moving or out a possible rut.  This is because I myself have been in a HORRIBLE, depressing, debilitating rut lately.  That rut ends TODAY.  Yesterday I tried to end this rut, went to the gym and stayed for a very short amount of time and came back to my room to cry.  I then ate and ate and ate and finally fell asleep. Did that help me? NO, it didn't.  The only person who can help me right now is myself.  I need to get myself going with one successful day and I'll be so motivated that I won't want to stop.  I did this before, I conquered laziness, self doubt, lack of motivation, and other negative thoughts about myself and got it done.  I can't remember any time that I was happier than when i was thin, and I'll start to get that back TODAY.

Off to the gym now, I'm going to make this session count.  No leaving early because I'm about to cry, no negative thinking, I'll just keep telling myself I know and WILL be that old version of myself again.  My happiness depends on the existance of that girl.  I miss her more than anything.  The hip bones, the coldness i'd feel everyday knowing how empty I was, how visible my collarbone was, how much i could feel my ribcage as I washed myself in the shower.  All of the these things won't be just a memory anymore, they need to be my reality again.

I also wanted to thank everyone for all the thinspiring, loving comments.  I couldn't get myself together with you girls.  Goodluck today everyone -- I hate that expression because I know you girls don't need luck, you have the willpower to complete your goals and live your dream.. so prove everyone, including yourself wrong, and do it! xo thin love

I know she's still in here, I just can't find her

As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven't made a real posting in quite some time.  I don't know what's going on with me lately.  My usual motivation has been shot and I cry almost everyday.  I was going to the gym literally everyday sometimes twice a day for two solid weeks and eating pretty well-- always burning more than I took in.  Where this awesome streak went you might ask? I wish I could tell you!  But I'm not doing so great as of the past 6 days or so.  I'll eat very little one day, binge the next, and it repeats.  WHAT THE HELL. This isn't me.. I need help. I always try to be there for you girls when you're in need and I hope you guys can give me some tips, wise words, and thin thoughts to push me back on track.  I'm beside myself and since this is the only support system I have for overexercising and restricting, I NEED YOU GUYS.  :( I need to be back to my motivational, optimistic self.  I know that girl's still in me, I just can't find her. 


Lastly, I wasnt to thank you guys so much for some of the awesome comments you've given me in the past -- I more than appreciate it.  Especially to Lottie, you're always there leaving loving comments, and to Lindsay, somethingsosmall, Ellie, Mia H, Thin Thrills, Ell, Smallasapanda you guys are all awesome! thanks for the great comments.  To Thin_Envy especially, your comment on my latest post brought me almost to tears, i felt such warmth through your post and I feel like this is exactly the kind of thing I need to get back on track.  Hoping for help from all of you. xo be thin, be lovely, be happy

This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I said I'd be posting ways to avoid binging, overeating, and eating at all but I've been so stressed and busy I just haven't had the time -- I'll get to it soon though!  This is going to be a short post, just wanted to update any regular followers of mine, if there even are any haha!  Anyways I came home from school for the weekend to try to clear my head, didn't help much.

 I've been really really upset and my time here has opened my eyes to why.. which is basically the only perk of me coming home -- aside from my mom's encouragement.  She can be SO helpful when I'm upset.  She just tries to comfort and make me find the root of the problem.  The thing about this is I tend not to share it with her, I'll pretend it's something else that's bothering me because I don't want her to know I'm going back to old ways.. it would literally crush her.  That's why half of me feels so horribly for starving and fasting and exercising like a maniac, but I NEED this for myself.  I need to be pretty and wanted and envied and thin and thin and thin and THIN.

Yeah thin is the most important to me if you couldn't tell, mainly because in being thin comes all of the other things that I mentioned.  People say I'm already pretty and have a great body and that they find me attractive but I just don't believe them.  And even if they are telling the truth, I feel the exact opposite as they do so this still needs to be done. This post is getting way longer than I wanted it to be but I'll write a nice, insightful, optimistic one like I usually do soon.  I'm just in a huge rush and kind of rambling -- again sorry!  I hope everyone's doing wonderfully.  Thin thoughts <33

It's a beautiful day to feel beautiful

Today should be a ridiculously stressful day for me -- but I'm gonna try my best not to let it be.  I have to write a four page paper on a book that I didn't read, don't own, and isn't on sparknotes.(due tomorrow)  Normally I'd be freaking out right now but honestly, what good will that do for me?  I slept in til about 11 today which felt nice because I haven't slept through the night in a long time!  Anyway I've just been on my facebook and email and stuff to let myself wake up a little before I go to the gym since I was so groggy this morning.  Starting my day with some exercise is going to be just what I need to feel good and try to bang this paper out!

While I'm at the gym I read health magazines like Shape, Self, Women's Health, etc and have been finding all these ideas in each one to help stop yourself before eating something you know you shouldn't or from a binge.  The binge they're talking about is much different from the one's we tend to experience -- but still, the ideas seem pretty effective.  Later on I'm going to post a list of different things to do to prevent from eating, overeating, or binging.  I just wanted to start my day with a post since once I fill you in on my day's plan, I feel more obligated to follow it since I told everyone about it.  I guess this comes from my competitive, determined-to-follow-through nature, which I developed from ED but hey! it does do me some good sometimes.

Anyone who's been following me since I recently started this blog knows how into horoscopes I am.  Depending on how insightful they are, I sometimes share them to spread the motivation I received from reading it.  Here it is:Are you so caught up in your dreams that you are ignoring the magic that is in your reality right now? This is not a time to focus on hopes and wishes. It's a time to take stock of what you have, and cherish it. Send an expression of gratitude out into the universe -- concentrate on how very thankful you are that you've come so far in your life. So what if your material goods fall short of someone else's standards? Don't judge yourself by others' expectations.

Some of this I found totally irrelevant to me like the judging yourself by others' expectations.  I mean, I have my own expectations for myself but if you read one of my older posts "Let me explain" you'd know that these expectations were brought on by someone who I felt like I was never good enough for.  Either way, most girls and even guys in our position can't help but be influenced by the thoughts of others and truly care about other's opinions of us. BUT there were certain points of it that really opened my eyes.  I feel like we're all so caught up in our end goals that we don't celebrate our everyday successes.  I know I've said this before but recognizing our little accomplishments is just what we need some days to keep ourselves from a day of feeling inadequate or like failures.  Every day, even every hour, that we follow our plan is a step closer to our goals and being aware of our progress is just what we need some days to keep going!

If you find my posts obnoxiously positive, I'm sorry haha, but I really feel like on days without positivity I find myself skipping an exercise session or making an excuse to eat or even over eat!  I'll say, " today's just a really bad day and I already ruined it by not excercising so I might as well take today to get my cravings out of my system" WRONG WRONG WRONG. Do not let you talk yourself into this, I've done it WAY too many times.  It derails progress, you end up feeling bloated and tired, and just end up depressing yourself even more.  Trust me -- after recovery I was the master of making up excuses to eat and look where it got me!  Obsessed with restricting and excercising once again. 

I hope you find my posts valuable, although they can be a little too long at times, I try to give out advice based on the things I've learned through my experiences and both my good and bad decisions.  If I can tell you anything it's don't put off your dreams.  Just one day of putting of your goals may lead to another day, then just one more day, and so on.  This is the pattern that's going to make you hurt the most, which isn't all that easy to bounce back from.  That's not to say we don't deserve to treat ourselves every now and again, but there's guidelines we MUST follow when doing so.

                      1. Treat yourself when deserved -- after reaching a goal, on a day you notice progress, etc
                      2. Don't turn a treat into a binge -- yes people, treat is singular, not at all day or 2hour event
                      3. Be aware of portion size and control your intake
                      4. Enjoy each bite you take -- stop before feeling full and don't finish every single bite!

This ended up being much longer than I intended but I guess I had a lot to say!  Thought to remember: You're beautiful now because of your drive and willpower, and at the end of this you'll be even more beautiful when satisfied and confident with your new body.  All my love and support.

Ugh!

I have been doing great for the past week and tonight I royally messed up!  I knew exactly what I was getting myself into and I didn't even try to stop myself, I just let it happen.  I went to the convinient store at my school and got popcorn, goldfish, gummy worms, and peanut butter crackers.  Yep I ate them all.  I then proceeded to have a fiber one bar and 4 more peanut butter crackers.  I just had a small package of fruit snacks and I feel like I'm going to be sick.  I think since I've been doing such an awesome job restricting that my stomach has shrunk and I really can't take a lot of food.

I'm so upset with myself I'm fighting back tears.  I can't let my roommate realize cause I can't explain to her how I'm feeling.  She's been feeling really self conscious lately and I don't want my issue to add to her feelings.  I certainly don't want to give her any ideas about my way of life cause I don't want anyone to have to go through what I go through if they don't have to.  My heart is pounding, I can't even explain how upset I am with myself and how disappointed I am.  I know that I can just pick up where I left off tomorrow but telling myself that isn't making me feel any better.

Today I was looking at pictures from the summer before I came to school for a week and had to take a medical leave of absence.  I LOVED the way I looked.  I was so happy and tan and thin and boney.  All I want to do is be that girl again.  It's the hardest thing on the weekends to try to get dressed and end up frustrated and making up an excuse so that I don't have to go out.  Truly all I want to do is go out and be my old happy self but getting dressed is so hard for me because everything is tighter than it used to be.  Granted the clothes I have here are my ana clothes but STILL.  Those are the clothes I want to wear and fit into.  I will wear those clothes sooner than later and I can't let tonight derail all the progress I've been making.

I hope everyone had a more successful day than I did and I hope my post doesn't depress you.  I just needed to express my feelings cause I honestly can't even deal with myself right now I'm so disgusted by myself.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'll continue to repeat that to myself until I believe it.  The road to thin is never easy, but in times of struggle we can't pull over.  When faced with a tough situation we must stop ourselves before we act.  All my support <3 xo

Horoscopes. . .

So my bad day yesterday turned into a bad night unfortunately.  I ended up eating a bunch of snacks -- low cal snacks, but extra food nonetheless.  I definitely didn't over eat I just ate more than I was trying to for the day.  I made up some excuse, which was very believable if I do say so myself, to my friends so that they'd not bug me about coming out cause my excuse made it impossible for me to.  I was in bed around 1am and didn't fall asleep until around SIX IN THE MORNING give or take.  I wokeup around tenish so I only got like four hours.  While I was lying awake last night I was thinking about how carefree and confident my friends are -- two of which are bigger than me, but still have the confidence to go to parties and get guys.

I thought about my exboyfriend and how I've been holding onto all the upset I feel towards him.. he's holding me back.  This entire thing is holding me back.  I feel that if I'm not tiny tiny tiny that no one will like me.  My right mind knows that that isn't the case and I guess that's something I was helped to learn through therapy in my last recovery.  I agreed to recovery because my mind was out of control.  I wasn't my normal funny, happy, crazy self and I didn't even remember what it was like to be optimistic or enthusiastic.  Although I regained those qualities through nourishing myself I still find myself unhappy at the end of most days.

I still sit here thinking that if i'm not thinner than no one will want anything to do with me.  After every weekend as my friends are exchanging hookup stories I just kind of sit there thinking that no one pursued me because of how I look.  But then I stop myself and realize that there's so many things wrong with that theory.. For one my friends that get guys aren't even super super thin at all, two they're the ones who are crazy flirts and pursue people, three I don't even attempt to pursue guys because I'm so distraught about my body and lack the confidence I used to have when I could get -- not to sound cocky -- but almost any guy I wanted.

There needs to be a balance here.  I need to be happy and continue my journey to thin but not let it ruin my experiences and relationships with other people.  I so badly need this to turn around because without confidence I'm not going to thrive.  What are you supposed to do when you look in the mirror and are disgusted with the reflection looking back at you? What are you supposed to do when you make up excuses to not go out just because you don't want to go through the devastation of trying on outfits and hating everything you put on?  I sit in my room and want to be like my friends, like my old self -- the girl who couldn't wait to go out and show off an outfit and pick up a guy in an instant.  I NEED to be that girl again -- my happiness depends on it.

With all that being said -- I'm a huge believer in horoscopes.  I mean sometimes they're so off it's ridiculous but sometimes they couldn't be more right.  Sometimes I wait until halfway through my day to read it to see if it's going the way predicted in my horoscope, and sometimes I read it right in the morning and hope for something optimistic that might give me a push.  Today I decided to read it this moring and I'm glad I did.  It said:

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

The concerns and responsibilities in your life have been surprisingly enjoyable lately. The affection you feel for the people involved is buoying you, lifting you along without much effort on your part. This represents a real turning point in your life ... you're entering a time when you can handle anything. You understand that trivial concerns deserve less attention than you've been giving them. Don't let a thorn in your side cripple you. Just pull it out and go on!

In reading this, I'm going to continue my journey to thin, and try to be happy with myself throughout the whole way.  We're always looking to the future, the end point.  We sell ourselves short when we don't celebrate our daily successes which ends up making us more unhappy with ourselves and more likely to binge.  Each day in our journies we need to acknowledge outloud or in our minds atleast one thing we succeeded in.  The more things we are able to acknowledge, the better we'll feel.. and maybe we'll try harder to complete our daily goals just to be able to feel that incredible feeling.

Sorry that this is so long and potentially boring -- hopefully some of you may find it helpful, I just had to try to find some optimism within myself.  Goodluck on your goals today, you're all in my thoughts as I want to stop or slow down the treadmill.  It's when I think of you that I keep pushing myself harder.  I know   -- well hope-- we're all in this together and I don't want to let you guys down.  Be successful, optimistic, and happy along the way!  Don't let one slipup throw off your day.. walk away from the situation and talk yourself through a binge or a negative feeling.  Let's prove it to ourselves how strong we truly are.

what happened to so far, so good?

I've been working out like a maniac -- twice a day for the most part and doing really well restricting.  Today I feel really shitty because I'm actually sick so i allowed myself to eat low calorie snacks so I'll have the energy I need to workout tomorrow with no excuses.  I haven't been sleeping well lately even though I'm running myself to exhaustion.. I think it's cause I'm so stressed and hard on myself about losing this weight.  I haven't weighed myself yet but it's definitely paying off.  I can tell that my stomach is smaller and my legs seem more toned.  I should be saying the usual "YAY ME" but for some reason I'm feeling really down today.  I have alot to feel accomplished about but for some reason I just feel bummed out : (.  Please post thoughts and comments to get my morale going again, I really need it to get my usual optimistic self back..


... help : ( </3

It's taken over..

Like it isn't bad that my entire day is revolved around my workouts and how to avoid my friends when they want to go to the dining hall for food, I'm now DREAMING about it.  Last night every dream I had was about not eating, over exercising, or getting into arguments with people who I feel look down on me because of my weight and just don't say anything about it.  For example all vacation while I was home my mom kept telling me I looked good and healthy and to me all that meant was fat and ugly.  Right now I'm in a fight with one of my bestfriends because I felt like she was kind of taking the fact that I am always there for her whenever she needs something for granted.  Everytime we talk it's about her and it's brief, which upset me but isn't something that would usually bother me since I know that she's busy with playing a college sport.  Last night in my dream I was arguing with her -- not about the same problem i just described, but because of my weight.  I wonder if I'm taking my unhappiness with my appearance out on her?  Was I subconciously trying to tell myself something? Ahhh I don't understand dreams and don't think I ever will.

Last night I was looking at this girl's pictures from a trip that she went to a tropical island.  I used to be WAY smaller than her and she lost weight over the course of the year and looks literally AWESOME.  It was so annoying I got so jealous and mad at myself that I don't look better than her anymore.  When I wokeup the first thing I thought of was getting back to my old body.  I got out of bed and read my horoscope:

As soon as you wake up, you will feel a sense of nostalgia in the air that will only grow as the day continues. It's not like you are lost in you own past, it's more like you are caught up in the manners and traditions of a past era. Try to integrate some of these things into your life today and see how other people respond. Music, fashion and even slang from another time and place could add just the touch of creativity you are in need of right now.

Even the stars want me back to skinny!  If not for myself or you guys -- I have to do it for them.. and my sanity!  Have a great day everyone, stay inspired and walk away from tempting situations! Love.

AWESOME DAY

My day has been incredible so far!  I went to the gym this morning just like I said I would and stayed for a few hours.  I ended up burning around 1,400 calories!  After that I drove back to school with my parents -- they asked me if I was hungry or wanted to stop for lunch like ten thousand times but I denied each time.  Usually I get mad when they ask me so that's how they know or can assume that I'm restricting that day but this time I took a different approach.  Each time they asked me a replied lively and happy with a "No thanks, I'm good to go!" or "Nope I got my gatorade here and that's doing me just fine!"  I think since I was so easy gonig and happy about it, they didn't suspect anything.

When I got to school they helped me bring my things in and I sort of rushed them out sneakily so that they didn't ask me to grab a bite to eat again.  They left and I unpacked then hungout with some friends.  When my friends went to dinner I said I had to finish unpacking-- which was true-- but I had purposely not finished so that I'd have an excuse to get out of going with them.  As I unpacked I had a granola bar that was 140 calories.  After that I went to the gym again and burned about 840 calories.  I'm going to try not to eat anything else today and just keep up with the water to make myself feel full.  If I do this all week I might get back to feeling not so disgusted with myself. 

I hope everyone else's days went fairly smoothly, if not, the day isn't lost!  Pick up where you left off and keep up your good work.  I know this isn't easy, but we all know how well it pays off in the end.

<3

TODAY. not tomorrow, not the next day

Today I am officially starting --and following-- my diet.  I go back to school today so I have no excuse of having to eat with my family or just eating one last time with them so they don't suspect anything.  Today starts my journey back to Ana and I am ssoo excited.  I remember how great I felt when I was thin and cannot wait to be there again.  I already know that I don't want to go out this weekend cause I don't want the calories from the alcohol to hurt my start. If I am good all this week and next week I'll let myself go out then.  But anyways my roommate and friends don't know that I have a problem, so I have to come up with a lie for a reason that I won't go out all weekend.  I was going to say I'm sick or something but I don't know what to say since I'll still be going to the gym atleast once a day, hopefully twice.  Even if I say I'm sick they're gonna bug me about coming out but I've already told myself that I can't so it's not even an option.  Anyways I'm going to the gym now then leaving for school.  I'll go to the gym again later tonight too!  I hope everyone is starting off their day right and I'll be back to post when I get hungry or the urge to binge probably.  Keep me in your thoughts, i'll need it!


xoxox

BEYOND FRUSTRATED.

Last night I was supposed to go to the gym and keep up the awesome day I was having so I was getting ready and my sister reminded me that it was Friday and the gym closes at friggin nine oclock and it was likeeee 8:47. COOL. huge fail.. so then of course I had no idea what to do with myself to keep myself busy so after time of walking around my house aimlessly I had a bite of something.. which turned into like 25 bites. ugh I am so mad at myself.  Now I have to go out to dinner with my family tonight before I go back to school so I guess my diet is going to have to start tomorrow cause my Mom is getting suspicious of my "behavior" and thinks I'm going backwards.. which is exactly what I'm doing but she doesn't understand that this is for the best.  No one wants to look at, be friends with, love, or associate with someone who looks like me.  I go back to school tomorrow and I'll have more control over not eating there.  I know I'm a failure.. you don't have to tell me.  UGH HORRIBLE DAY!

Won't let up

So far so good today!  I ran around 3 miles earlier and have only had 261 calories today so far.  I am going to the gym really soon and plan to burn atleast 800 calories before I leave.  On my diet plan today I'm only allowed to have 500 calories and I absolutely plan on sticking to that!  But with both of my work outs, I'll end up being in the negative. YAY ME!!  My family just got Domino's for dinner and my brother is eating it beside me -- ANNOYING.  But all I see this as is a challenge that I certainly WON'T fail.  I figured now would be a good time to blog due to the fact that when I say something to someone else I make myself do it! Knowing that I publicly announced not eating the Domino's, sticking to my calorie budget, and going to the gym will be an inforcement that I have to.  Okay hope everyone's sticking to their goals today!!  The road to thin is the best traveled -- remember that ;)

Let me explain...

No one who has an "eating disorder" or who's "anorexic, bullimic, etc" wonders why anyone else lives the way they do because they understand.  They understand the compulsive obsession that the girl across the room has with being as thin as possible.  They understand why the girl who sits on the other side of the bus hasn't eaten in three days.  They understand why the girl with the blog name "i'll die before i'm fat again" is obsessed with going to the gym and will knock out anyone who stands in her way.  Despite all this, everyone has their own story.  Everyone has their own drive.  I think it's important to know everyone's story to understand why they are so atimate about doing anything humanly possible to be thin and perfect.  Here's my story.

 This isn't just something I woke up and decided to do one day.  I didn't wake up and decide I want to be obsessed with being thin and starving myself.  My aim was perfectionism and I decided to alter the one major thing I had control over.  I had a boyfriend who cheated on me for years but continued to tell me he loved me.  I gave him chance after chance knowing that I had the upper hand.  I even cheated on him a few times just out of spite and in hopes that it would make me feel better.  Surprise, surprise.. it didn't.  It actually made me feel worse.  Coming around year three I decided to do something.  It was sort of a subconscious decision because I don't recall ever deciding to work out like a nutcase and eat less and less everyday -- it just sort of happened.  I started going to the gym daily to make myself feel better and it totally worked!  I kept this up and people started noticing how great and different I was looking.  The added attention was probably what got me to push myself to be -- as a doctor may put it -- "out of control" or "compulsive."

I of course loved the positive attention I was getting.  This only fueled my drive to be perfect and thin -- maybe if I looked different my boyfriend wouldn't want to cheat on me anymore?  WRONG.  After all this I realized that my boyfriend didn't cheat on me because I wasn't good enough ( this was about the only positive and factual insight I got out of therapy for my anorexia.)  I was encouraged to take a step back and look at the girls he had cheated on me with.  Once I did this I realized something HUGELY important. All of the girls he cheated on me with weren't any special.. they weren't cuter, more fun, more outgoing and even more important, THINNER than me.  I know what you might be thinking -- that I'm just saying these things to make myself feel better -- but I tend to be brutally honest with myself as most girls like myself do.

Anyway, for the most part I am completely over him now.  I go to school about three hours away from him and rarely think of him.  He texts me every now and then, probably to try to keep me from completely getting over him but it doesn't make much of a difference to me.  With all that said, he was a huge influence in driving me to be obsessed and insistant on being thin -- but not the only reason.  Now that I am over him, and somewhat back to my normal weight, I STILL want to be tiny tiny tiny again.  And I will be with the help of some of you.  I encourage everyone to take a step back and think about what is driving them to "Ana".  It's hugely helpful and motivating.  Tomorrow starts my diet and I will not let all of you down!

messed up before i even started :/

Okay so today was the day I was supposed to start my journey to thin again, but of course I didn't start my day the way I wanted to by going to the gym.  Instead I had to drive two hours with my Dad for some interview thing. ANYWAYS I got annoyed and pissed off and wanted to eat everything in sight.  Of course I went to McDonald's and ate every bite of it.  It's only four in the afternoon and I'm too full to even move but all I'm thinking about it eating more.  I'm home from college on vacation so it's really hard to distance myself from food.  I'm wondering if I should wait to start my new diet on Sunday when I go back to school since I feel like it's impossible trying to do it here cause everyone in my family is all over me about eating -- which I use as an excuse to over eat -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Anyways this is the diet I will be following or trying my best to follow anyways.  Let me know what you think!

1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast (0 calories)
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast

Back in the game

Hey everyone!
So reading my "About Me" will give you a quick idea of my background with weightloss and my heaviest and lowest weights.  I started this blog as motivation to help me reach my weightloss and physical goals.  As of today I don't have a number goal in mind but I do know how I want to look.  When I was at my lowest weight I had the most confidence.  My friends and family claim that I look best at the weight I am now but I can't live like this.  I've always been a competitor, I've always strived to be the best I can be.  When I was younger alot of that revolved around sports but at this point in my life it's about being thin.  I can't make this journey alone again.  I need help, support, tips, and techniques to help me along the way.  Try to look past the appearance of my page -- I'm still learning!  Don't let me down, anyone like me knows how it feels to NEED to achieve this goal.  I'll post again tomorrow!