I'm reached an all time low

All I want to be is thin.  I've been at school with none of my friends or anything cause it's a quick summer program for me to catch up the credits I missed when I was forced to leave in the fall to "recover." Bullshit.. Anyways! While I'm at school I have SO much control I hardly eat at all and I force myself to the gym atleast once a day.  This should be good right?  Well I've been coming home every weekend for one reason or another and basically ruining everything I did during the week.  Sigh. Every weekend that I come home I tell myself don't eat and stuff but I do anyways.  This weekend I feel like I've reached an all time low.  Literally I am so upset and distraught I've been thinking about quitting school and living at home for awhile.  I know that deep down this is the last thing I want to do because I want to be successful and enjoy my time in school now, while I'm young and enjoy partying and meeting now people but I'm so depressed that I've been thinking about giving up all together.  This isn't like me at all.  If you truly truly knew me you'd know how driven I am and how I do anything to get what I want.  So what's my problem now?  I conquered my weight last summer why can't I now? 

I think the problem is that I'm literally depressed.  I hate to admit it because I absolutely HATE that word.  I have medicine for it though and I haven't been taking it.  When I think about working out it's the last thing I want to do just because I'm so upset with myself I don't even want to move.  I stopped taking my medicine because I thought it got in the way of what I wanted.  I took it again for the first time this morning because I think that I want this so badly that nothing can get in the way of it, I taking it will just take my edge off and get me to be happy and enjoy working out like I used to.  What do you girls think?  I love you all, sorry I've been MIA I'm just in a really bad place right now.  Hope everyone's well! xo xo

hidden messages everywhere

When you put your passion into something there is no limit to your success, and that will be true especially when you're given the chance to take control. Grab the steering wheel and put the pedal to the metal. If you think about it long enough, you'll realize that you know exactly where you need to be right now -- so get there quickly. Put everything you are into this journey, and don't make any compromises. Nothing you do can be done only halfway now.       



my horoscope for today. I HAVE TO BE THIN, i have to be.

Ashamed but proud at the same time

Short and sweet. Ive done amazing all week. Gym everyday having a net of atleast -500 cals everyday.. Yes that's a negative sign! Until today I was tired and run down after a five am gym session followed by 8 hours of back to back classes. I binged. I didn't even want to do it I don't know why I let myself. I walked to the dining hall to get a sandwich and then go to the conviniencs store beside it an get goldfish and m&ms. I got there and did neither and left. On my walk back I passed another convenience store and caved. I binges on pretzel m&ms which are deadly, DONT TRY THEM, a kitkat, a small pack of sour worms, answering and goldfish except I threw away the goldfish once I caught ahold of myself. I layed in bed still tired and even more ashamed of myself that I didn't stop earlier. After awhile I was watching tv and saw Lauren Conrad on the hills eating something that resembled a shake. MCDONALDS popped in my head. I love their shakes! I fought the feeling for awhile until I couldn't get over it. I got up and walked to mcdonalds. I got there, looked at it from across the street and kept walking. I was so close to giving in and ruining my hard work even more but I didn't it! On my walk home i passed Wendy's, burger king, walmart, rite aid, shaws, and dunkin donuts. I'm lying in my bed trying not to cry. I'm realizing that my old passion is back. I hate feeling full from what I binged on. After a week of feeling empty addicted to it again. I'm excited about this but upset about the hopeless feelings that come along with this desire. Will I ever get there again? I won't stop until I do <3

Competition is what's gonna get me somewhere

I'm going to try to post in a few hours but I wanted to tell you girls about a new plan my roommate from college and I are doing.  She gained alot of weight over the semester and would always complain about it and I'd just be like you're fine just eat healthier because I didn't know what else to say -- she was right she was starting to get noticeably bigger.  I as well gained weight probably because she always wanted to eat and since I was new I wanted to get to know her and her friends so we could all be close.  I know I shouldn't be blaming her because it's my fault that I let my eating get out of hand but I feel like she played a small part in it. 

ANYWAYS, we were talking the other day about how awful we both feel and how we want to lose weight.  So I came up with this idea.  I'm weighing myself in this morning and seeing how much weight I can lose by Friday.  We're doing a weigh-in every Friday to see who has lost more weight.  I don't think of myself as that competitive of a person but when it comes to weightloss I can get SO COMPETITIVE.  I hate when people get skinnier than me so I feel like this is going to be my drive.  I want to be the littlest!  I want to be the smaller cuter person in our room in the fall and I will be!  Here we go.. Off to the gym to start this.  I'll let you know how much I weighed in at and keep you updated for Friday!!

Thinking of everyone.  Hope you're feeling as hopeful as I am on this gloomy day <3

I'm going..

So I'm on new medicine and I'm already starting to feel better!!! YAY.  Extremely hopeful that I'll get to the gym tomorrow and be back on my way to beautiful.  I need this really badly, just as I know that you all feel the same way.  This effects my life so  much it's incredible.  I'm so pissed of with people I know because I'm embarrassed and I feel like they're embarrassed of me.  My sister and i went from being the best of friends to only talking here and there because of how I've been acting.  But I won't let her down.  I'm going to change how I look again and it'll fix our relationship, I know it will.

Last night I had this dream.. it's really weird so don't judge me haha.  I was in this huge gorgeous church and I went to a private school all my life so it kind of makes sense.  Anyways it was a really long dream and I don't remember all of it but basically I hookedup with three of my exboyfriends in the loft of the church and I was like so happy about it? haha.  Yeah weird I know but then I read my horoscope today and this is what it said:
The insight you've been taking from your dreams lately will serve you well today. Follow your gut and do what you think you need to. Certain images are recurring in your life, and the same issues are popping up again and again. Your subconscious is keying you in on what you need to deal with first. It's now time for you to deal with things once and for all. Getting to the heart of the matter as quickly as you can today will save you a lot of headaches later in the week.       

Basically what I took from this is that I lost my sense of loving and being happy.  I lost this when I lost what I had worked so hard to earn and that was thin.  I know that once I'm thin again and feel beautiful I'll want to have relationships and put myself out there but right now I'm just too ashamed of my appearance.  I need everyone's thoughts right now and I hope you all believe in me.  I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this.  I'm going to be happy again.

why me?

I haven't been posting because I haven't been getting any positive feedback of my recent posts that I've done here and there and because I really don't have anything good to say.  I think the last two times I've posted it was explaining how sick I have been and how I should be getting better soon so I could get back to the gym.  Well that still hasn't happened.  Honestly I haven't been to the gym in a good 3 weeks.  I am STILL sick, yes still.  Not just like oh I don't feel very well sick like sinus infection sick.  They gave me medicine to take it away but of course that medicine made me feel dizzy, light-headed, and nauseous. COOL.  Yeah I was supposed to take that four 14 days but I stopped when I got to school on Sunday because it's only making me feel worse. 

Sunday night into Monday morning I wokeup with a fever and my entire body hurt.  I had a fever all day Monday and hardly left my bed.  I got ahead of the fever by taking tylenol and nyquil.  I was feeling a bit better yesterday but my throat is still killing me!  Today's Wednesday and it still hurts so I'm going to go to the health center to get tested for strep.  I noticed this morning while brushing my teeth that my eyes are a little red again -- if that damn sinus infection is back i dont know what I'll do with myself. UGH

No one has to agree with me on this one but I am a HUGE believer in the saying "Everything happens for a reason."  It's proven itself to be true SO many times in my life that I'd be insane not to believe it.  Right now, however, I'm having a really hard time understanding why God is trying to come between me and my happiness -- my happiness being losing weight.  I need this so badly I can't even deal with it anymore.  I am so ashamed of how big I am now.  If I could move away where I knew nobody and not come back until I was thin again I would do it in an instant.  I don't care how lonely or sad I'd be I am just way too embarrassed of what I've become and although my friends tell me I look healthy and good again I don't care.  I know the truth and it's that I look fat and disgusting. 

I'm not looking for anyone to disagree with me because this is something I KNOW.  I know my legs rub together, I know my arms are falbby, I know my colar bone is barely visible, I know my ass is huge again, I know I have dimples on my butt, I know my stomach hangs out -- not that I wear anything tight enough for it to be seen -- but you get the picture.  I've fixed all of these things before and I was literally perfect.  I need to be back there but I can't do it when I'm so damn sick.  Upset doesn't even describe how I'm feeling.  I don't know what to do right now. Ugh Help. :'(

help please

This needs to be short and sweet.  I haven't been around because I'm not getting the same support and encouragement that I used to get from blogging so I guess I might as well do it on my own.  I'm hoping someone can help me with the one question I have.  I'm looking for an online site that tells me what my daily calorie intake needs to be to reach my goal weight in the number of weeks I want to reach it.  I forget the exact name for it that's what I'm having a hard time finding it.. something like a weightloss calorie calculator maybe?  Most of the one's I've found in the past are the healthy ones that don't let you exceed more than 2 lbs of weightloss per week but I need more than that.  If anyone knows of one please comment, I need your help badly!!!!!!